Bands like sex. They like to talk about it, they like to sing about it and most importantly, they like to have it. None of that should come as a shock, but within that epically horny world, there are some bands that rule over all the rest. They are the horniest of the horny, sex-obsessed fiends more interested in playing their pants-based instruments than their musical instruments. And so let us celebrate here and now these kings and queens of carnality, for they are the nine horniest bands of all time.
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AC/DC’s entire musical catalogue is basically one big ode to being horny. It was probably most explicit during Bon Scott’s leering heyday, but Brian Johnson’s delightfully horny "I Just Can’t Help Myself" sex-cry on “You Shook Me All Night Long” might be the band’s hornball highpoint. There’s nothing complicated about AC/DC. They just want to rock out on the guitar for a while and then chase ladies the rest of the time. There is something about AC/DC that gives them the air of teenage boys tittering in mom’s basement after seeing a booby while watching scrambled porn. These don’t really seem like the dudes who are actually getting laid, but the dudes who desperately want to get laid, which as any teenage geek can tell you, is an especially potent form of horniness.
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Being horny is not the exclusive realm of men, and no group proved that more than Salt-n-Pepa, one of the very first all-female hip-hop groups. As women cutting in on an almost completely male field, Salt-n-Pepa knew that the power of their sexuality was something that could give them an edge. They turned the hyper-sexism of the hip-hop world and used it to their advantage, most infamously on their gigantic hit “Push It,” which… uh, the song is called “Push It” so I think you can figure out what it’s about. Salt-n-Pepa owned their sexuality in a way that only male bands are usually allowed to and in the process used their horniness to become both superstars and iconic trailblazers.
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Like AC/DC, there is something vaguely nerdy and sophomoric about The Bloodhound Gang. They come across like junior high kids making dick jokes and reveling in the fact that they just discovered masturbation. Their whole reason for being seems to be making songs filled with sexual innuendos. Their biggest hit is probably “The Bad Touch” which is about sex from start to finish featuring the famous chorus of “You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.” And that’s probably the tamest lyric in the whole song.
Photo credit: The Bloodhound Gang image by Northfoto/Shutterstock
N.W.A. hype man Eazy E was quite possibly the horniest man who ever lived. He reveled in sex, which is probably best exemplified in his song “Gimmie That Nutt” after he went solo. But as the de facto frontman of N.W.A., Eazy E’s sleazy brand of horniness helped to set the tone for the whole band. And let’s face it, it’s not like the other members of N.W.A. were all celibate priests either. They rapped about what was going on in their lives and one of the biggest parts of that life was sex.
Photo credit: YouTube/Eazy-E/N.W.A.
There is a line in the movie Role Models where Seann William Scott’s character says of Kiss “They’re these Jewish guys that grew up in New York, and they put on guitars and makeup to get girls, and all of their songs are about fucking!” He then goes on to explain how the song “Love Gun” is actually about Paul Stanley’s dick and the various sex related things Paul Stanley wants to have done to said dick and I’m not sure if anything else could sum up the epic horniness of Kiss more than that scene. Then again, just one episode of Gene Simmons’ reality show would also do the trick. Of course, you’d need to take a long shower afterward but still, the man – and his band’s – horniness cannot be denied.
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Lords of Acid probably isn’t a band that’s as horny as their songs make them out to be, but that’s only because no human being on Earth could possibly be that horny. Where other bands couch their horniness in thinly disguised metaphors, Lords of Acid cuts through all of that bullshit and explicitly spells it all out for you. Their music is intentionally shocking, with songs titled “Rough Sex,” “Spank My Booty,” “Sex Bomb,” and the charming and old fashioned “Pussy,” among others. And yet, the actual lyrics to their songs are even more directly explicit than the titles. I’d print some of them but we’d probably get picketed or something and so just take my word for it, this band definitely belongs on this list.
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Perhaps nobody in rock history is more sex crazed than Steven Tyler. I mean, the dude adopted a teenage girl for the sole purpose of banging her. That alone qualifies Aerosmith for this list. It also helps that the band is pretty infamous for songs featuring thinly veiled metaphors for boning. One of the most egregious – and probably most unintentionally hilarious – is their song “Pink” in which a middle-aged Tyler spends much of the song leering about how pink is his favorite color, how much he loves pink, and anything and everything else he can think of to express his slavish devotion to a lady’s vagina. Truly, a triumph in the horny arts.
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2 Live Crew are so infamously horny that their music was straight up banned because of it. Now that’s a whole new level of horny. Famously explicit and sophomoric, 2 Live Crew’s crowning moment in the horny arts is, naturally, their hit “Me So Horny,” which does it's best to offend every person and group on the planet. You get the sense that they wrote the song with one hand down their pants, laughing like lunatics the whole time. 2 Live Crew is basically what would happen if you gave millions of dollars to a group of seventh grade boys and told them to go make a record.
Photo credit: YouTube
Like any respectable hair-metal band, most of the Crüe’s songs are about sex. Hell, they have one song simply called “Girls, Girls, Girls” which is basically just about the band doing a crawl through the nation’s strip clubs. But it’s not enough for them just to sing about it. No, these dudes are infamous for living it. Aside from Mick Mars – who basically exists just to highlight the absurdity of the other dudes in the band – the entire band has married Playboy Playmates (it should be noted that even Mars married one of the band’s backup singers, a blonde who pranced around stage as a sexy nurse, so… yeah) and two of them have famous sex tapes, none more so than Tommy Lee’s quaint little family boat ride with Pamela Anderson. They are a band that thrives on debauchery, a band fueled by horniness, and they will probably have strippers giving them lap-dances in their wheelchairs. Mötley Crüe is basically a band of sex addicts. If a band was any hornier it would just be sentient jizz.
Photo credit: Dustin Gaffke, Flickr