I got beat up by a four-year-old at Chipotle last night

by 6 years ago

Hi, I’m Isaac, I’m 33-years-old and I got beat up by a four-year-old at Chipotle last night. Well, to be fair, he may have not been four. He may have been younger. I don’t know his age exactly, I didn’t check his ID. I was too busy nursing my injuries.

I’ll start from the beginning, a hungry man just enjoying some tasty Mexican food. A steak burrito to be exact, minus the beans. Extra hot salsa because that’s how I roll. I was almost done, almost to the point where I embarrass myself by grabbing a fork and digging into the last morsels.

That’s when the spawn of Satan came up to me. We’ll refer to him as Damian, you know, just for the sake of the story and not because he might actually be the Lord of Hades.

He couldn’t have been more than 2-3 feet tall, 40 lbs tops. My estimation is probably off, I don’t have kids so I don’t know.

More to the point, this little shit had dark, beady eyes. The ones that stare into your soul.

He walked up to me while I was eating, about two feet away. He looked at me. I looked at him. His father was at the counter, ordering some food, oblivious to his son’s whereabouts.

I asked the young lad, “can I help you?” He tilted his head to the side for a moment, as if to say, “are you talking to me?” It was a subtle movement, one clearly made to show dominance. This was followed by 4-5 seconds of silence. I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I wasn’t sure if it was ok to return to my food.

That’s when Damian wound up with his size 2 Nike’s and kicked me in the shin. Not a gentle kick mind you. No, this was a full-blown Messi taking a free kick from well outside the box. It was a kick that scarred me, both physically and emotionally.

Here’s my wound.

beat up at Chipotle


I sat there stunned, not knowing how to react. I don’t know what the situation called for. Was it ok for me to spank Damian? Was it ok for me to drop kick him into the Chipotle salsa? I don’t know, I was confused. My mind was racing. I was ready for a confrontation of some kind.

But as I pondered life, death and my future imprisonment for beating a child, Damian walked away. Like nothing had happened. Like a fart in the wind.

It took me about 10 seconds before I moved again. I didn’t finish my food, I threw away those tiny morsels of rice and steak. I walked out of Chipotle with my head down, afraid to make eye contact with Damian.

I got into my car, put the key into the ignition, fiddled with the radio. It was then that I realized my hand was shaking. It was then that I realized I had been bullied.

Hi, I’m Isaac, I’m 33-years-old and I got beat up by a four-year-old at Chipotle last night.