Let’s think of some storylines for Jessica Simpson’s new sitcom


Because why not? Maybe somebody from Hollywood will read this and hire us! NBC, man. What a network. Those guys just don’t seem to have a damn idea what they’re doing with anything. The latest evidence: they’re making a sitcom based on Jessica Simpson’s life, starring Jessica Simpson. Because everybody in America still loves and cares about her. Hold on, it gets worse.

Vulture has the scoop on the deal, which adds in a terrifying twist: the series pilot is written by Nick Bakay, the literary genius who penned the screenplay for Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Nothing but top-flight talent is on deck for this baby, and there’s also an awesome hook. Are you ready? Here’s how producer Ben Silverman describes it.

“It’s a combination of I Love Lucy and Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

Oh my God, wow. Wow. That’s an incredible combination. Like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups level of genius in putting two things together to make one new thing, only this time it’s three things because Jessica Simpson is also in there. Simpson actually tried to do a sitcom in 2004 when she was still a reasonably famous person, but that one didn’t make it to air.

So why not play a little game with me right now and come up with some episode ideas for Untitled Jessica Simpson Project? I’ll start.

– Jess (Jessica Simpson) goes to a speed dating event at a local coffee shop, only to get matched up with guest stars A.J. McLean, Jesse McCartney, Ashley Parker Angel and finally Aaron Carter.

– Jessie (Jessica Simpson) is pursued by a reality show that wants to make her the victim of a series of humiliating pranks, but it’s also the only attention she gets.

– J.J. (Jessica Simpson) sits alone in her vast mansion and weeps copiously into a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s for 24 minutes plus commercial breaks.