How to make a Chorizo Breakfast Burrito

by 5 years ago
Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

Breakfast is the easiest meal to make, but it’s also when you’re most likely to prefer death to cooking. Thankfully making this Chorizo Breakfast Burrito doesn’t require all of your faculties and will help cure your hangover.

Most breakfast burritos look pretty. Not mine. The last thing I care about in the morning is a perfectly segregated (racist) burrito with bright green peppers and perfectly fluffy eggs. No. I want to throw some shit in a tortilla, add Taco Bell salsa, and start eating. That’s exactly what I did here. There’s even an opening to add tequila if you’re a dog hair kind of person.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

See, I wasn’t lying about the Taco Bell salsa. That’s really a thing. There aren’t any witty messages on the bottle though which was disappointing. I’m still waiting for that packet of fire sauce to propose to me.

Fittingly enough, I used a box of Blowfish to prop up the salsa up. That’s the one hangover cure that really does work for me. In addition to this burrito of course. No, I mean definitely make the burrito. It will cure your hangover better than anything on Earth. I promise. It’s magic. Or Science. Or a lie. Whatever just move on already!

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

People always talk about trying to sweat it out the morning after getting wasted. You might as well throw that idea out the window because there’s no chance I’m hitting the gym when I wake up hungover. The only that’s going to sweat are these red and green peppers. See what I did there? Cooking terms. I’m here to entertain, but I’m here to teach too.

I don’t have a joke about boiling potatoes. Just put them in a pot and do it.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

Now comes the choose your own adventure potion of the day. When you add the chorizo, onions, and potatoes, you can also add tequila. I know some of you degenerates only fight hangovers with more alcohol so now’s your chance. Sure you could just make a Bloody Mary or a Bellini (I’m assuming only 45-year-old women are reading this), but people judge you for drinking alone in your apartment on Saturday morning. If you slip a little tequila in your burrito no one will be the wiser.

This is also an excellent time to crush up Plan B and mix it in should have been fortunate enough to bring home a lady and unfortunate enough as to procreate.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

We’ve arrived at a crossroads. And yes, it is the one to which Bone Thugs were referring. If you want beautiful, light, and fluffy eggs, cook them elsewhere then add them. Also grow up. If you want eggs just for the sake of having eggs, pour your whisked chicken fetuses, aka fetii, right into the pan.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

If you’ve been to Chipotle or Qdoba then you know how to roll a burrito. This one won’t rip though because you aren’t busy trying to con the ‘rito artists out of all the free ingredients you can get. Oh, the fajita veggies are extra? I didn’t know that.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

This is the only “fancy” thing I did to my burrito. I put the cheese and salsa on top (ooohhhhhh), and then put it under the broiler for a minute (aaaahhhhh). I know. Crazy right? I’m a cheese on the outside sort of guy, and I wasn’t about to change that for you.

Just fire up the oven while you’re cooking, and it’ll be ready to go when you are. It only takes about 30-60 seconds to melt the cheese, so don’t go lie down or you’ll ruin everything.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

Now just grab a bottle of Sriracha and go to town. This is a little more work than getting something delivered, but there’s not much worse than delivery breakfast. Morning food are meant to be eaten within 84 seconds of creation. Plus, I’m pretty sure Denny’s isn’t going to have Plan B.

Ingredients:

  • 2 tortillas
  • 3 eggs
  • 3 yellow potatoes
  • 8 oz chorizo, removed from casing
  • 1/2 cup shredded cheese
  • 1/4 cup red peppers, chopped
  • 1/4 cup green peppers, chopped
  • 1/4 cup onions, chopped
  • 2 tsp jalapeno
  • 1 tbsp silver tequila
  • Salsa (Taco Bell or die)

Directions:

  1. Submerge potatoes in water and bring to a boil. Reduce and simmer for 8ish minutes.
  2. Turn oven broiler to high.
  3. Cook peppers over medium heat for 5 minutes or until they begin to sweat to the oldies.
  4. Add onions, chorizo, tequila(?) and continue cooking for 8-10 minutes
  5. Beat eggs in bowl, add a little milk, dump into the pan.
  6. Warm tortillas in the microwave.
  7. Remove pan from heat when eggs are done cooking.
  8. Add a respectable amount of the mix to each tortilla and roll with the homies.
  9. Cover with cheese and salsa.
  10. Put on 2nd oven rack from top for 30 seconds (60 if your oven sucks).
  11. Brag about making your burrito “suizo style” and are thinking about applying for Top Chef.
  12. Grab your favorite hot sauce, which is obviously Sriracha, and dig in.

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