This woman jerked a dolphin off

There are 3 billion men on this planet, many of whom are in desperate need of sexual gratification. Meanwhile, Margaret Howe’s out here giving handjobs to dolphins. Where did we go wrong fellas?

Margaret Howe was brought in to teach Peter the Dolphin how to speak through his blowhole. After some time however, the 6-year-old dolphin fell in love and um, started dry humping Howe. Bro didn’t even bother with the pleasantries, he just went to town. What a goddamn dolphin hero.

“I find that his desires are hindering our relationship,” she wrote. “He jams himself again and again against my legs, circles around me, is inclined to nibble and is generally so excited he cannot control his attitude around me.”

Margaret Howe was caught between a rock and a dolphin boner. Faced with such a “hard” decision, Howe did what anybody else would do—she gave the dolphin a handjob.

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When the experiment was finished, Peter was sent back to his home in Miami. Weeks later, he killed himself.

So, just to review here:

-Dolphin learns to talk through blowhole
-Dolphin gets boner
-Woman gives dolphin handjob
-Dolphin kills himself

Listen, I feel bad that Pete died but man, dude had an incredible 3-month stretch there. How many of you can say you learned how to talk before getting your first handjob? See.

R.I.P. Peter

[NY Post]