America needs a new national anthem, and if 25,000 people sign a petition, that anthem might be R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix).” This isn’t just a random song selection. The document details why it’s the ideal choice. The “We the People,” introduced on whitehouse.gov in 2011, has brought many issues to the forefront of policy debate. Some are serious, others personal, and a few are downright stupid. We can all agree this particular case is not trivial.
We, the undersigned, would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national anthem, one that even a decade after its creation, is still hot and fresh out the kitchen. America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.
I have a funny feeling this isn’t going to go through. It’s not because the song has nothing to do with America or patriotism. It’s because there isn’t a person under the age of 35 who doesn’t immediately think of Dave Chappelle’s “I Wanna Piss on You (Remix)” And while the US has taken a dump on a lot of countries, we don’t want to brag so openly.