The Fortress proves even a safe can be made douchey

Tech bloggers quickly learn that if the world “luxury” is tied to a gadget, you’re likely going to see something idiotic, something that takes an absurd degree of wealth and a mind-blowing lack of self-awareness not to realize that buying it instantly tells everyone you’re a douchebag.


You’d think this would not apply to safes, which are steel boxes with locks on them. But, somehow, Doettling found a way with its new Fortress.

Granted, Doettling specializes in safes that are, in a world, ridiculous, literally the kind of thing you see in movies, but at least they’re actually master locksmiths who design actual products.

Still, the Fortress is excessive even for a company that talks about safes “inspired” by fashion designers. It’s a three-tiered safe, with the top tier its “gullwing” safe to protect your watches, the middle tier a humidor, and the bottom a jewelry and watch safe, with watch winders controlled by specialized software.

And they covered the outside in calfskin. Of course they did. At least this thing comes with a $1,000,000 insurance policy. Only ten will be made in each “security class”, but it will live on forever as comedy materials in our hearts.

The Fortress [Doettling]