9 types of idiots you’ll see on St. Patrick’s Day

It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and that means that in between vomiting up green beer and beating snakes with clubs or whatever the hell it is St. Patrick actually did back in the day, you’re going to be seeing a lot of ridiculous people. Thankfully, as always, we are here to help, with this handy field guide of nine types of idiots you’ll see on St. Patrick’s Day.

9. The Quick and the Dead

These are the dudes who wake up, raring to go, ready to conquer the world one beer at a time, claiming that they’re going to drink all day and night… only to be passed out face-down on the floor by noon. Look, we’ve all been there before. No judgments. After all, it’s an easy mistake to make, especially for all the rookies out there. You start hitting it hard, just like you would any other party night, only this party night goes on forever and that means that there will be lulls in the action. It’s during these lulls that our brethren will fall, having given their sobriety, their livers and their consciousness in defense of this holy holiday. Honor them. Or draw dicks on their face with permanent marker. Either way.

8. The Pacer

The Pacer is a seasoned vet of the St. Pat’s game. He understands that in order to make it to the finish line you have to have a game plan. You can’t just start doing keg stands before breakfast. He understands that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and just like in a marathon he’ll be the one to reach the finish line by going slow and steady, passing by all the early leaders, who will be vomiting in bushes and being carried away by their friends. Respect this man. Sure, he’s not going to do something wild and crazy – at least not before nightfall – but he’s also not going to be the one waking up in the drunk-tank with a vicious hangover and a new boyfriend named Big Bob.

7. The Pinching Bandit

This sociopath spends all day sneaking up on anyone not wearing green and pinching them. A lot of times this is that weird, annoying lady at the office, but sometimes it’s just some sad pervert and this is the only way he can get his jollies. Everyone hates it, but you must resist the urge to punch him in the face. Sure, that’s the way the Irish traditionally celebrate, well, everything, but this is America, and in America we understand that there are better ways to handle things, like slashing tires or peeing in his beer when he’s not around. We’re enlightened.

6. The Green Monster

This is the sad-sack who gets waaaay too into the spirit of things and sports green from head to toe. His clothes are all green and he even paints his face – among other things. Ahem. Look, it’s fine to want to have some fun with it, but there’s having fun and then there’s spending an entire week trying to scrub green dye out of your pubes. Sure, you think you were respecting St. Patrick – somehow, I guess – but really you’ll just end up looking like you tried to bang some sea algae and no one needs that.

5. The Dye Addict

This is the dude who insists that everyone dye their beer green because… it’s fun? I don’t get it either. Anyway, he’s basically a subset of the aforementioned Green Monster, and while he might not go all the way with it, he will end up looking like a jackass. That’s because by the end of the night, he’ll be the idiot stumbling around with a tongue dyed green, like he just got done blowing Kermit the Frog. That’s no way to live, friends.

4. The Workplace Drunk

St. Patrick’s Day means that your boss won’t mind if you sneak one or two here or there. Unless he’s a jerk, or you’re a surgeon or something, in which case you should probably chill until it’s quittin’ time. But all it takes is one lightweight jackass to ruin all the fun. This is the dude who probably never drinks any other time and after two beers he’ll be carrying on like a sloppy three year-old and then you’ll have to spend half of next week watching presentations from HR after your boss decides to lay down the law. Look, it’s cool, drink up, but keep your game tight.

3. The Teetotaler Church Lady

This is the uptight shrew who somehow thinks it’s her duty to keep people on point at all times. Basically, she’s the same person who took a little too much joy in being the hall monitor back in the day. She doesn’t drink because of the devil or something, and by God, she’s not going to just stand by and let anyone else have fun either. She’ll probably lecture you at some point about how St. Patrick’s Day is a solemn, religious day and that you are mocking God somehow by getting blasted. Just nod politely and don’t let her ruin your day, unless she calls the cops or something. In that case, egg her house, just like Jesus and St. Patrick would have done.

2. The “Cool” Boss

This is the boss who just wants to be your buddy. He wants it so very badly. And he’ll prove it to you by bringing in a case of Guinness and then trying to awkwardly shoot the shit with everyone like he’s one of the boys. It’s uncomfortable and weird and nobody wants to associate something beautiful like beer with their boss. It’s like thinking of your mom during sex.

1. The Irish Pride Parade

These are the dudes and lady dudes who get really, really into being Irish. They just turn the whole day into one big fetish, and pretty soon they’re all carrying on like extras from Good Will Hunting. Look, I was raised Irish Catholic so I know what I’m talking about here, but really, it’s not a good look. Nobody cares if your great, great, great, great grandpa got kicked out of Dublin back in the day. You’re an American and no matter how much Guinness you drink or how many Notre Dame football players you can name, you’re not going to be magically transported back to that imaginary emerald wonderland that exists only in your mind. So just be cool, get drunk and we’ll all get along great.

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Clown image by Dobino/Shutterstock
Pinching fingers image by Shutterstock
Drunk guy image by Shutterstock
Irish parade image by Margoe Edwards/Shutterstock