All hail Daniel Bryan, the continuously squashed champion — WWE Raw Results

Daniel Bryan Raw

via WWE


 

A couple random observations before the WWE Raw recap for this week.

Axel and Ryback sounds like a law firm that only handles cases where people are injured by ice therapy machines. Rybaxel sounds like a medication ad on TV. “Just three applications of Rybaxel and say goodbye to backacne!”

WWE creative has already grown tired of Fandago. Thank Christ.

I hate when champions watch opponents on monitors backstage while holding their respective belts. If the Seahawks don’t make the Super Bowl this season, will the whole team watch in front of a TV holding the Lombardi trophy? Slapping the trophy as it rests against their shoulders.

I wanted to vote for the member of the Wyatt family who will straighten the brim of Cena’s hat. In related news, I love the Wyatt Family.

If Paige and Sheamus ever got together and had a kid just saying the word “sun” to the kid would give him third-degree skin burns.

The will they/won’t they Rhodes break-up. Enough already. Break them up, let them feud for five minutes, put Cody in contention for a singles title and leave Golddust to hang around in the mid-card.

Hugh Jackman is hosting Raw next week. I hope there is a musical number.

On to the WWE Raw recap — In honor of the greatest talker (with nothing to say) in the history of wrestling, let’s see who went to the pay winda this week (it’s like a star system, just play along).

One pay winda — Kane squashing Daniel Bryan

Here’s what I don’t get — why does a guy half the size of the entire roster need to be squashed (for much too large of a chunk of TV time) week in and week out? Daniel Bryan is the underdog going into every match unless Hornswoggle somehow gets into the main event picture. We all get that fact. We don’t need the weekly beat down.

I understand Bryan’s dad passed away hours before the match, and the dude still showed up to perform, but how about Kane arrives, they punch each others lights out for a couple minutes, the predictable “Brie Bella gets in the way and gets knocked out” angle and Bryan doesn’t get destroyed.

Also, where was Kane hiding? Where can a 7’0 man hide around ringside that neither Bryan nor Brie Bella saw him coming from a hundred miles away? Was he under the ring? If so, how long? Long enough to grow a full head of hair in a week, I supposed.

Two pay windas — Everyone standing behind Evolution

Congratulations, the creative team has zero ideas what to do with you besides make you the protectors of a supposedly unstoppable force. Maybe all get together to form a traveling jug band? I’ve also got some openings for writers of Raw recaps. You guys are just sitting back there, why not back some extra money?

Three pay windas — Emma

She’ll survive this early and awful gimmick to eventually become Divas champion. Or they’ll put her on that dumb Divas reality show and we’ll all watch her plan a wedding to Santino where every guest gets a hand puppet.

Four pay windas — Rob Van Dam

After a long time away, the WWE seems to be very high (PUN!) on Van Dam. Even though the world had Ceasaro versus Bad News Barrett penciled in for the final match in the IC title tourney,  RVD pulled out a win after a Jack Swagger interference caused his former partner the win. It’s highly (PUN!) unlikely RVD will top Bad News and face Big E at Extreme Rules but the former 6 time Intercontinental Champion has been on a decent run since coming back to the WWE.

Five stops at the pay winda — Bad News Barrett

I’m expecting big things from this guy. I just hope he doesn’t win the IC title and end up in Evolution. I also hope he doesn’t lose the IC match and end up in Evolution. I hope he doesn’t end up in Evolution is what I’m getting at here people.

Got a favorite moment on from Raw? Let me know in the comments.