I can’t recall the first time I smoked pot; most likely sometime early on in high school. I don’t remember getting ‘high’ initially. Perhaps it was mental, I don’t know, but I had been told many-a-time that ‘you don’t feel it your first time,’ something about your body not recognizing it or some shit. Moving forward, in typical teenage fashion, I tried it again.
To say that my body went haywire would be an understatement: heart palpitations, sweating, nausea, mild auditory hallucinations, and a complete and utter disassociation from reality. You may be thinking, ‘Fuck, did this chick smoke weed laced with PCP?’ No, I didn’t. It was straight up, run of the mill, bud. No bells or whistles.
Again, in typical teenage fashion, I tried it again.
Same-fucking-result! I was pissed! At this point, my friends were bona fide stoners. Before school, at lunch, after school, the whole bit. Why was Mary Jane such a cruel mistress? Why couldn’t I get stupid high, eat Doritos and watch Family Guy with the best of them? Was there something wrong with me?
To this day, I’ve never really had any great experiences with weed. In typical human fashion, I tried it again, and again expecting different results (definition of insanity? Eh, not really. More like definition of dedication.)
It all worked itself out eventually; I became a lush and got over it. In retrospect, it’s sort of a good thing, I feel like if weed worked on me the way it did on ‘normal’ people, I’d be smoking as I type this.
While I can’t smoke a doobie, I really have a soft spot for those who can. Some of the best people in my life are certifiable stoners. Don’t get me wrong, I know some fucking moron stoners. However, I think it’s all about how it affects you, ya know? I mean, unlike meth, or cocaine, weed is sort of different for each person. Every meth head is a bat-shit-insane-tweaker, and consequently every coke head is a slimy-douche-lord, but that’s really not the case with cannabis. I know maybe 30 people who smoke weed religiously, and I only really loathe about 10 of them. Those are awesome odds!
If the weed effects them positively and doesn’t render them an unmotivated, moody, loser, I’m all for it.
Here are the 10 best qualities of stoners I’ve come to discover throughout the years that make them genuinely datable ladies and gents:
(Keep in mind, I don’t actually know what it means to be high without feeling like I’m dying a slow and painful death so ultimately these are observations…none of this is scientific, so maybe…hop off my jock a little.)
1. Good Taste in Music:
I’m not really sure why, but every stoner I know has impeccable taste in tune-age. From Hip-Hop to Indie to Reggae to fucking Country—everything they put on is well, lovely. Perhaps weed makes you more intuitive to what people want to hear…which for me is more music and less blabbering.
2. Food Combinations:
You know who came up with the idea to toast 2 cinnamon waffles and put vanilla ice-cream in the middle? Yup, you guessed it, a stoner! They have a pretty remarkable ability to put the most delicious food concoctions together, and you know the best part? They aren’t all sitting around bitching about calories. You totally can’t say the same for drunken people. I mean, sure, girls will binge on Wendy’s in a vodka-stupor at 3 AM, but they will fucking complain every-single-minute afterward. ‘OMG, I can’t believe I just ate that!!!!!” You know what you can eat, a bag of dicks. Take responsibility for that Crispy Chicken Sandwich and move on, okay?
3. Generally Open-Minded:
I am so turned off by hippy-dippy bullshit. If you use the word ‘spirituality’ around me more than once in a single conversation, imma’ slap the shit out of you. However, stoners have a generally easy-going disposition toward life, and as someone who is super-high-strung (pun-intended) it’s really refreshing. Furthermore, I’m not suggesting everyone who smokes is liberal, but I’d venture to say most stoners are accepting people. In fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever met a run-of-the-mill weed aficionado who subscribed to the racist-homophobic-backward rhetoric that destroys the culture of this good ol’ nation of ours.
4. They Can Drive Me Home:
This is a bit selfish, but usually people who are super into reefer don’t get shit-faced too often, and thus can be my DD.
5. Interesting Theories about Deep-Shit:
Again, I HATE hippy-dippy nonsense, but a lot of stoners have some pretty intense and well-thought-out opinions regarding the nature of the universe: love, death, money—things of the like. Their sort of the only modern day philosophers we have left, because let’s face it, an actual degree in philosophy doesn’t mean shit.
6. They Enjoy a Good Nap:
Like Kat Williams says, “Hungry, Happy, Sleepy.”
7. No Pressure, Man:
To further the testament toward their go-with-the-flow lifestyle, stoners aren’t going to strap you down and shove a bong in your face. If you don’t smoke, it’s all good! No pressure, whatsoever…to each their own. Drunks aren’t like that. How many times have you successfully remained sober among a group of drunken people? If the answer is more than 5 times, you’re a better person than I am. People who are drinking, want everyone around them to be drinking. I’m not sure if that’s a survival tactic to avoid embarrassment or what, but it’s true. “Come onnnnnnnnnnn, take a shoooootttt!!! Just one!! Come on!!!”
8. The Most Resourceful People on the Planet:
All stoners are like little MacGyvers. Seriously, from how they smoke it, to how they eat it, to how they grow it—they have got their shit down pat. The marijuana industry is not progressing because of the benefits of the ‘drug’ (PLANT) alone, but because of the intelligence of those who genuinely advocate for its legalization and benefit to humanity.
9. There’s No Such Thing as Awkward Silence:
I feel like stoners are perfectly fine sitting in complete silence. Perhaps there’s something about weed that just makes you feel complacent (or too paranoid to speak) but I can recall numerous occasions of just sitting with high people watching a movie in perfect silence. It’s actually kind of refreshing because frankly, who really enjoys the art of conversation nowadays anyway?
10. They Think You’re Funny:
This is my favorite one, which is why I’ll leave this for last, but as the designated non-smoker, I’ve always likened myself as the entertainment. Also, in high school, I worked at a bakery and would always bring a shit-ton of donuts with me everywhere I went so maybe that’s why they laughed at my jokes, but I digress. Weed makes things funnier; consequently, I’m one of those things.
So, to all of the people who take issue with stoners, maybe take a closer look. To discount someone solely on their consumption of a plant is ridiculous. I bet for every-low-life stoner you meet, you’ll meet 6 more who will cure cancer one day (most likely with the use of weed)….put that in your pipe and smoke it (I’m sorry, I really needed to end the article with that).