10 Burning Questions I Have About Hipster Sex

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Hipsters procreate. At least, they have to. They’re human, so they must be controlled by the same carnal urges we all are. Our dream of hipsters being asexual and their breed dying out is probably just that.

And hipsters are an insular group. Let’s be honest. They aren’t fucking black people. They’re doing each other.

So to answer your question, yes. I have been thinking a lot about hipster sex. I have no idea how it works. I have so many questions. Or, since we are on the internet, I have ALL of the questions (you web people are nearly as bad).

But hipsters be fucking and I need to know how.

Courting: How do you show a member of the opposite sex you are interested when the only emotion you display is general disaffection?

Glasses: All of you wear ‘em. Isn’t it hard to kiss someone when both parties are wearing glasses? I know it is. And… in bed, are the two of you naked except for your rectangular frames? That’s gotta be weird. Is this how you come clean about your prescription-less lenses? Or is it better to have awkward sex than have people think you aren’t an intellectual?

Liquor Drunk: Has any hipster experienced the joy of liquor drunk sex? It’s a whole different level than Genny Cream Ale drunk. If your bank account precludes you from purchasing $11 cocktails, let me know. You must try this.

Pants: Everyone knows taking off pants is the hardest part of sex. So hard. And unsexy. All the tensed up tugging and wiggling. It’s very difficult to do smoothly. And you people, you wear pants that won’t come off without a can of WD-40. If I was a girl and had to try and try to unsuccessfully pull off a guy’s skin-tight jeans, I’d give up on sex. It must be impossible in the summer. So what I’m asking is do you all have a mutual agreement wherein during hookups you pause to remove your pants at the same time?

Layers: Directly related to pants. Does it bother all y’all how many different parts of clothing must be removed to get to naked? There’s hat, scarf, scarf two, cardigan, unlined suit jacket, scarf three. It must set sex back nine minutes.

Foreplay: Is it too mainstream? Everyone is doing it. Have you discovered an ancient Ukrainian method for prepping bodies for sex. I bet you finger bang for 45 seconds before putting it in just like the rest of us.

Music: Who gets to pick the songs you hook up to? Is the evening ruined if the exact moment of intimacy occurs right when a Drake song comes on shuffle?

Carbon Neutral: How do you all have sex without impacting the environment? Do you only bang people within walking distance of each other’s shared lofts? Is it actually cool if a guy bikes over for sex? And what the fuck about birth control? Is the Ortho Tri-Cyclen organic? Is the lambskin local?

Ejaculation: Where do hipsters like to come? I know you fuckers have all agreed on the weirdest spot. Like the ankle. I can tell. I bet you even spout bullshit about how semen is good for reflexology. “You aren’t coming on her joints? You should really come on her joints.”

Post Coitus: Brunch?

Follow D.C. on Twitter and read more of his work at Meeting Girls on Metro.