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Before we proceed with the devastating signs that lead to the realization that your partner is penetrating or being penetrated by someone else, I’d like to say I’m sorry to anyone who has been a victim of infidelity. It sucks. Point blank. There really isn’t any other way of looking at it.
If you are in fact the rarest breed of human who can look the other way, I salute you. I salute your complete and utter lack of back bone, I salute your low self-esteem in thinking you don’t deserve better, and lastly I salute what little regard you have for both your mental but especially physical health, as I’m sure you’ve now been exposed to a venereal disease *drops mic*
To be fair, it’s actually quite common for people to forgive their partners after being cheated on. I’ve been there and I recognize that things like love and compassion and understanding come into play and blur all sorts of lines, but I guess the point I’m trying to make is: don’t let that shit get in the way of telling this person to go fuck themselves!
Sure, they may never cheat on you again and that’s all well and dandy but infidelity is so much more than just a few thrusts shared among lying bastards.
Infidelity is the physical admission of the following:
- Your partner doesn’t respect you
- Your partner is bored
- Your partner isn’t sure how they feel about you
- Your partner is a scared little bitch who freaks out at the first sign of true intimacy and runs into the hands of the nearest outta town strange.
But I digress. I don’t need to sit here and yell at the Internet at large. It’s your lives, folks. If you want to stay with someone who cheats on you, who am I to scold you? Surely that’s what your conscience is for.
Just remember, you aren’t getting any younger. The worst part about ending a relationship isn’t the fucking heartbreak (I pour heartbreak over my cheerios in the morning), it’s tolerable; you’ll live. The worst part is the time wasted.
Here are some signs that may help in recognizing that you’re getting played, should you choose to ignore them please feel free to Google the phrase, “delusional.”
Disclaimer: one of the following doesn’t 100% mean you’re getting cheated on. Hell, maybe even 2 of the following means you’re in the clear, but I’m going to lowball it here and say that if at least 3 of things below look familiar there’s trouble in paradise.
The Classic
I feel like this only happens in television and movies, but if your boyfriend or girlfriend comes home smelling like someone else, it wasn’t because they were on a crowded subway. Part of me wants to mention the whole lipstick stain on the white collared shirt thing, but I’m going to assume nobody is that fucking dumb (although, I’m usually wrong when it comes to giving people the benefit of the doubt).
Psychology 101
We as humans absolutely love to project our own faults onto other people. If your partner is constantly accusing you of fucking someone else with zero basis of evidence, there’s a slight possibility it’s because their subconscious is kicking them in the genitals all day long saying, “You’re doing it to them so they’re definitely doing it to you!”
Say My Name
Again, I’m pretty sure this only happens in movies, televisions, or hip-hop songs but if your boyfriend or girlfriend happens to call you by someone else’s name during a moment of affection or intimacy, it may be worth cracking a candle holder over their head or at the very least having a discussion.
Secret Service
It’s 2016; you can get our hands on sex with same efficiency as ordering a rubbery pizza from Domino’s. If your significant other is constantly hiding their phone from you, it’s because there’s something they don’t want you to see, and by something I mean SOMEONE.
Jane and John Doe
If you feel as if your boyfriend or girlfriend makes it a point to keep you separate from their personal lives (i.e. introducing you to friends, parents, coworkers, etc.) there’s a high probability that you don’t mean shit to this person and that they’re getting some on the side. This can also manifest in never taking pictures with you, never letting you leave things at their apartment, and saving your number in their phone under something generic like, “sweetie” which can very well be passed off as their younger sibling’s nickname.
“You Too”
There’s a totem pole of responses when it comes to hearing, “I love you.” If your partner says, “you too” often it’s because they’re too fucking guilty to even say the word love without gurgling up the salvia (or possibly something worse) of someone else.
Judgy-Wudgy was a Bear
Back to psychology: we hate in other people what we hate most in ourselves. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is constantly talking shit about their unfaithful friends, and I mean constttannnntly, I feel like there’s something off with that. You know? Like why are we always talking about Matt sleeping with butter-faced women he meets on Tinder behind Jessica’s back? Are you trying to gauge my reaction? Are you trying to feel better about yourself?
MIA (missing in action, not Miami…although Miami could work too)
If your boyfriend or girlfriend goes missing for hours on end and then stumbles through an explanation as to where they were it could mean they’re a junkie hiding an addiction or it could it mean, you guessed it, they’re with someone else!
1-800-hotline-bang
This may seem obvious, so much so that it’s why people tend to ignore it but they really shouldn’t. On occasion, the person your significant other is fucking around with might be aware of your existence and thusly will reach out to you to let you know what’s been going on. If this should happen, believe them. Why on earth would someone lie to you about that? They have nothing to lose. Yes, I understand that some people are just fucking crazy and like to ruin lives, but that’s rare. If Susie Q messages you on Facebook saying your beloved was at her house last night….chances are, he was.
Fool me once
This one is sort of a continual sign that should live with you throughout the entirety of your relationship. If your partner has cheated on you before and for whatever contrived reason you’ve taken them back, be aware that you are at risk for it to happen again. The adage, “once a cheater, always a cheater” is only partially correct in my book. I don’t think someone who cheats in Relationship A is automatically going to cheat in Relationship B; that’s just not a fair assumption to make. Sometimes you’re with the wrong person and shit happens, so you move onto to better things. I do however believe that if a person is capable of cheating on YOU once then who is to say they can’t cheat on you again?
This isn’t a fun topic to tackle as I know it’s not a fun topic to experience, but you just gotta level with yourself and face whatever shitty signs may be coming your way. Don’t be one of those people who is too afraid to leave so you forgive and forgive until you’ve become a pathetic, sad, shell of your former self (so glad I could end on a light note).