20 Things I Learned From My First Music Festival

I survived it. Okay, maybe a music festival isn’t that hard to survive, but not getting roofied, kicked out or catching an STD while raging for 48 hours with hardly any sleep and little dignity left in my body seems like survival to me.

By now everyone is sick of seeing pictures, posts and comments about music festivals. Yes, girls dressed like whores and a lot of people had a lot more fun than the rest of the world because they were rolling their balls off for one long weekend. These festivals are a great time and please don’t hate them or me for continuing to talk about them.

Even though everything you’ve probably seen on the internet makes music festivals look amazingly fun (and yes I’ll say it again because they really are) it still does not do them justice. Someone can only YouTube a DJ’s set from Ultra so many times before they are convinced to spend a decent chunk of change on an EDM festival.  Well that’s what I did before I bought my first music festival ticket and I want to personally thank DJ Hardwell’s set from Ultra 2013 for helping me hand over my credit card number and buy my ticket to EDC in New York.

So if I haven’t made it clear that I would give my left nut to go to an EDM festival once a year for the rest of my life, here it is: I would give my left nut to go to an EDM festival once a  year for the rest of my life. Anyway, here are some things I noticed after attending my first music festival and because I’m very observant when I’m not sober:

*EDM stands for Electric Dance Music.
*EDC stands for Electric Daisy Carnival.
* I really wouldn’t give my left nut to attend these things for the rest of my life – I have too much respect for my left nut to do that to it.

1. Everyone is on drugs
First and foremost let’s get this officially out in the open. The rumors are true; everyone is on Molly or some other drug that’s related to her. I will be the first to say that everyone should see at least one person trip their balls off at a music festival before you die. It is quite a visual.

2. Eating is not a priority
It’s not that I wasn’t hungry because I was actually fucking starving. I just didn’t care and food wasn’t really a priority for these three reasons.
1. I didn’t want to pay for something I wouldn’t enjoy eating.
2. I didn’t want to take a shit in a porter potty.
3. I was too busy doing everything else but eating.

3. Putting girls on your shoulders sucks
If you have seen music festival videos online then you have seen a lot of hot girls on a lot of guys’ shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, I would (and did) love to have a dime piece sitting on my shoulders any day of the week but at the same time it definitely sucks. They just don’t give a shit about your neck or life.

4. It’s hard to stay drunk
This is where resorting to #1 on this list may seem like the better option to do at a music festival and believe me when I say that I drank a lot. I pre-gammed with beer and liquor in my hotel room with my friends and when I got to the festival I bought beers at $8 a pop and chugged each one before the first DJ came on. I quickly learned that alcohol and jumping like a maniac for an hour takes a pretty big toll on your body. I didn’t throw up like a little girl but I did stop drinking for a little since it was hard to stay drunk.

Bro Tip: Attempt to sneak shooters in your underwear, preferably right next to your penis. If you get caught, fuck it, they’re only $1 so try and take advantage of that. That being said…

5. You will spend a lot of money
Train ride: $22
Hotel room for 2 nights: $350 (Sorry girls, I still owe you money)
Beers at the music festival: Roughly $100
Beers outside the festival: Roughly $50
Other shit I felt was necessary: $150
An epic weekend: Priceless…but still pretty broke.

6. You drink more water than you want to
At many points throughout the day/night the only thing you will care about is drinking some ice cold water. Drinking an ice cold bottle of water will feel like the first time you ever masturbated using the family computer – amazing even though you know it’s not what you should be doing.

7. Most of the people are in good shape
Most people, not everyone. That would be impossible considering we live America, but you will quickly learn that you’re not as jacked as you think.

8. Getting good feedback on your clothes will make you happy
Old school Nikes, colorful shorts, one tank top that says “YEAH BUDDY” in bright green for Day 1 of  the festival and another tank that says “Make It ‘Merican” in bright yellow for Day 2 of the festival, both with matching headbands and sunglasses are two highly recommended outfits for a two-day music festival. I know this because I got complemented for wearing this shit and it did make me happy.

Bro Tip: Go up to a hot girl who is wearing a bunch of festival bracelets around her wrists (you will know what I’m talking about once you see one).  Complement them for on her bracelets, ask her for one and once she gives you one (because they love giving them away) try making out with her.

9. Tank top tans are very common.
It’s like a farmers tan but with a tank top. You will get one. You will be proud of it.

10. A lot of people still own CamelBaks
I thought they went out of style years ago but I was clearly wrong. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, CamelBaks are small backpacks that let you put water (or a liquid-drug combo of your choice) in them. You can take a drink from a straw-like contraption that released the water when you bite on it like a nipple.

Bro Tip: Buy one.

11. Dancing with girls is not that easy
It’s kind of hard to dance with a girl when you’re constantly jumping and raving to EDM. As I mentioned above, this is where putting a girl on your shoulders seems like the better solution than actually dancing with her. Every girl is down to dance but you just got to wait for the right song to make your move – that is if it ever comes on.

12. Festival people are really nice
I once went to a concert, stepped on a girl’s foot and she threw a drink at my face. Then I went to a music festival, stepped on a girl’s foot and she smiled at me, told me it was okay and gave me a hug. The guys don’t really care if you bump into them either.

13. Someone will get lost
I was that guy and believe me; it was a lot more fun than it might sound.

14. No one will stick to ‘the plan’
Don’t go to a music festival with a definitive plan. The worst thing you can do is go with a group of people who have a “meeting place” or expect you to be at a certain place at a certain time. Although I was the guy who got lost, I was also the guy who met the most people and had the most fun because I didn’t give a fuck about sticking to any sort of plan even though my friends didn’t really have a plan to begin with – if that makes sense?

15. You will have a new favorite DJ
Your favorite DJ will never be the best DJ you see. My favorite DJ didn’t even show up to EDC because he wasn’t invited or because he had better plans. Either way I now have a new favorite DJ and so will you.

16. You will run into the people you knew you would run into
This always happens and it will most likely be the person you wish you’d never see again after your high school graduation. Every day prior to the music festival this guy will post something about the music festival, ultimately trying to make all of his Facebook friends jealous because he is going to a music festival and they are not. Fuck that guy. Figuratively speaking.

17. All other genres of music are now boring
Like my good friend Johnny told us the day after the festival, “I think we kind of fucked ourselves by going to this.” That statement is very true.  To this day all other genres of music are very boring and we’re still trying to figure out how to go to a normal bar and dance to shitty music.

18. It takes at least 3 days to fully recover
Day 1: Death, soreness and depression (from leaving).
Day 2: Soreness and depression (from leaving).
Day 3: Depression (from leaving)…

19. It was worth every penny
I’m no Donald Trump but I can safely say that it was worth every penny.

20. You will go to another one