Dank Ages: 2,400-Year-Old Solid Gold Bongs Of Russian Kings Dug Up

by 4 years ago

Archaeologists in Russia have found what they believe to be bongs that were used by tribal elders some 2,400 years ago. The drug paraphernalia was some of the artifacts that were found along with rings and bracelets during an excavation at a Scythian burial mound in southern Russia. The secret chamber was originally discovered by construction workers when they were installing power lines. The two bong-like bowls are solid gold and weigh 7-pounds, probably making them a smidge better than the cruddy plastic bong you bought at your local smoke shop and named “LeBong James.” Cool, but did they try scraping it?

The Scythians were a nomadic group from the Iran area who populated vast areas of the central Eurasian steppes from the 9th century B.C. up until the 4th century A.D. When they weren’t conquering other civilizations using their deadly mounted archery attack, they would like to kick back and smoke. Dark Ages? More like Dank Ages.

Upon closer inspection, scientists noticed a dark residue on the bongs, which they believe are some of the oldest in history. So they scraped it right? They sent the samples to criminologists who analyzed the black residue inside the vessels. The results came back positive for opium and cannabis. Did anybody smoke it though?

Experts believe the tribal elders and warriors brewed a mixture of cannabis and opium in the bowls to celebrate victory in battle, or to possibly to give them courage beforehand. Wow. Those Scythian dudes are just like me. I light up a bowl to celebrate making it through the work week and I take a hit to give me the courage to talk to that really hot chick I see at Salad Works. It’s almost like I’m a modern-day Scythian warrior.