Look Bros, I know in the past we’ve told you that you can’t go wrong with certain gifts, like flowers and lingerie – and we weren’t lying. Lingerie is almost always perfect even though everyone sees it as a cliché, but you know what clichés don’t work? Chocolate. Stuffed animals. Jewelry. These are all awful for approximately 1,000,000 reasons that I’ll somehow manage to condense into 3-5 sentence paragraphs below. I’m sure some of you have already gone out and bought the biggest box of chocolates that Wal-Mart had to sell (you’re a classy Bro, aren’t you) and are currently having a mild freak-out because now you’re poop-outta ideas of what to get your girl…but don’t worry. We’ve got you covered.
1. Chocolate Is AWFUL
Getting your girlfriend chocolate for Valentine’s Day is the equivalent of forcibly shoving her face into your butt crack and screaming “HELLO WORLD I AM ALL OUT OF IDEAS OF WHAT TO GET MY GIRLFRIEND FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!” Plus, do you really want your girlfriend to eat an entire box of chocolates in one sitting? Because that’s basically what you’re daring her to do. Honestly if you don’t care that you’re putting your girlfriend on the brink of gaining ~5 pounds in under 24 hours then good for you, but when she steps on the scale the next day she’s gonna be pissed. In case you’re having trouble following along here, chocolate + your girlfriend + 5 pound weight gain = one very pissed off lady.
What do you get her instead? ANSWER: Lingerie
A sexy set of lingerie is honestly perfect. For one thing, good panties are expensive so rolling up to Valentine’s Day with 3 pairs of beautiful underwear will make you a hero. Besides, we both know it’s really just a gift for yourself since it’ll be an excuse for you to get her to finally throw out those ratchet granny panties she keeps around for some reason.
2. A Star In The Sky. No Really, That’s Happened Before.
When I was writing all this handy-dandy information up for you Bros my boss was like “Do you need help coming up with bad gift ideas? I have a friend who once bought a girl a star. A star in the sky. THE SKY.”
Yeah…I’m gonna go ahead and rule that if you’re one of the fools who did that then you probably don’t deserve whatever poor schmuck got conned into dating you. If it’s not tangible and you have to start out the night with some awful rom-com inspired line like “Look at the sky, because that’s how I feel about us: infinite,” then it’s probably an awful idea.
What do you get her instead? ANSWER: Sports Tickets
Does your girl watch sports? Perfect! Buy her tickets to see her favorite sports team in action. Not only will she be ecstatic that you were sooo thoughtful, but instead of getting stuck sitting in some awful rom-com turd of a movie you’ll get to watch Kobe dribble up and down the court…as long as she likes basketball. Don’t buy her basketball tickets if she loves Ovechkin and the Capitals, obviously.
3. If You Went Out And Bought Heart-Shaped Jewelry Go Punch Yourself In The Gut Right Now
You can buy her jewelry if you’re married. Oh wait you can also get her heart-shaped jewelry if…nope, only if you’re married. This applies to any jewelry, actually. You know why? Because when you two break up she’s not going to wear it anymore since it’ll remind her of your failed relationship. No girl wakes up in the morning, looks into their jewelry box and says “Oh hey that necklace my ex-boyfriend who mercilessly broke my heart by dumping me at my 24th birthday party gave me! NEATO I’M GONNA WEAR THAT TODAY!” In other words, it’s going ultimately wind up gathering dust in the corner of her room, assuming she doesn’t chuck it out a window or auction it off on Ebay.
Also…heart-shaped jewelry on Valentine’s Day? Come on. Don’t make me barf over here.
What do you get her instead? ANSWER: Expensive Liquor
Do I love expensive liquor? Of course! Do I enjoy spending money on expensive liquor! Hell no! If it comes between spending $15 on a handle of crappy Burnett’s versus spending $45 on a fifth of Grey Goose, I’m going to bite the bullet and drink the Burnett’s all night. But don’t get her a fifth – splurge for the handle. It’s Valentine’s Day you cheap-o.
4. Gift Cards
What do you get her instead? ANSWER: Literally Anything
No really, get her literally anything else. Even a baggie filled with dog poop is an upgrade from a gift card you selfish dick.
5. Anything Electronic She DID NOT ASK FOR
Did her hair dryer break so you thought it’d be thoughtful if you went out and got her a new one? Well I’m here to burst your bubble because whatever you bought was wrong. Chicks have specific preferences when it comes to their hair care products, which means that $40 hair dryer you picked up at CVS is going to look like cow poop in comparison to her fancy $350 dryer she got last Christmas. And it doesn’t matter if you didn’t get her anything electronic related to hair care; it’s Valentine’s Day. If it can be bought at Radio Shack, it’s an automatic no-go.
What do you get her instead? ANSWER: Pajamas!
Who doesn’t love sexy pajamas? They’re comfy and you feel like friggin’ hot like Kate Upton when you lay down to go to sleep at night. Plus it means your girlfriend will stop stealing your boxers and other assorted clothes to sleep in, which in turn ALSO means that you won’t have to yell at her about how you only have 2 out of 10 pairs of boxers left and you don’t have time to do laundry this week. Win-win!
And for those of you who just realized the gift you had planned is absolute crap and don’t know of a good place to grab some V-Day lingerie from, you’re in luck! BroBible followers get 20% off orders of $75 or more, plus FREE shipping on everything with the code FOHSPR20 at Frederick’s of Hollywood.
In other words, go fix your gift while you still can.