5 Things Men Are Told About Women Their Wholes Lives (That Are Absolute Bullshit)

by 3 years ago  •  6 Comments
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Pink is for girls, blue is for boys, women cook dinner, men are the bread winners and the female orgasm while real, isn’t entirely necessary in every sexual encounter.

Sound familiar?

I’d venture to say this has been the status quo since Neanderthals were running around, banging shit together, and discovered fire. I really do wish I was a fly on the wall of that cave; I imagine it was just a lot of grunting, followed by flames, followed by a few fist bumps. In retrospect, I’ve definitely seen similar situations at college bars.

Back to my point: I don’t really know how to rid society of this blathering nonsense. No matter how progressive we become there will always be those inbred, uneducated, assholes of the world preaching their drivel and drinking their Mountain Dew (no, I’m not talking about the deep south—wink, wink, cough, cough, elbow nudge).

This article isn’t necessarily about that. Writing about the dissolution of gender norms is sort of a buzzkill, primarily because I’m a woman and have to deal with them more often than you guys do. I’m sorry, but people thinking you’re stronger, smarter, and deserve more money for the same jobs aren’t problems, in fact, I bet you have a boner right now just thinking about it. I don’t blame you, I would too.

I want to discuss things that can be classified more as, “urban myths” rather than stereotypes or norms. This is the stuff that boys discuss in their club houses, and again in their frat houses, and again in their man caves, and again in their senior citizen homes and no woman, nowhere, decides to run up on their pow-wow and say, “Nah, Bro, that ain’t true.” I’m not sure why this particular woman would sound like that, but I’m just using my imagination to the fullest. Let me live.

1. Women’s Bodies are More Complicated
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I won’t name any names because “journalistic integrity,” but in high school a boy I know literally threw up after learning about the vagina. He didn’t yack from the video of the chick giving birth, he didn’t pass out from learning about menstruation, but he did, literally, vomit upon realizing how complicated our inner workings look. The key word being: look. I can understand why you’d be intimated because we don’t have it just hanging out there like you, but the vagina is not The Sphinx. Read a medical journal. Look at a diagram and figure it out, man. Our bodies aren’t more complicated, they‘re just different and by different I mean that you can’t just blink at us to get us going.

2. Women Are Crazy
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LOL. This one will forever be my favorite. I’ve overhead conversations such as these (many times) in my life:

“Bro, I can’t deal with Stacey’s psycho shit anymore. She’s going through my phone, Facebook messages, everything—I’ve had to change my password like 15 times in 2 weeks.”

“Did she find out that you’re fucking Kristin on the side?”

“Nah, we’re good, but it’s come pretty close.”

So your girlfriend is acting paranoid because you’re cheating on her, and that makes HER crazy? Women have intuition about these things, and that my friend, is no lie, so her craziness isn’t craziness at all but rather the behavior of someone who is always 10 steps ahead of you. Look, I get it; we aren’t all a pile of rainbows and sunshine all the time. Sometimes we can go a bit Patrick Bateman on your ass, but you gotta own your part in causing that behavior (you don’t have to, but maybe just try, okay?)

3. All Women Want Babies
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I can’t speak for all of us, but nope, not true. We aren’t poking holes in condoms and conveniently “forgetting” to take our birth control. Pregnancy isn’t used as a means of control or manipulation across the board, in fact, VERY few women would do that. I think the media has fucked you all on this notion, and I’m sorry, so please, no more Rom-Coms/Lifetime movies for any of you.

4. Women Want Bigger Boobs
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If given the choice to go from a B cup to a D cup for free—I wouldn’t take it. Keep your back problems; I’ll keep my perkiness, thanks. Not all women lead with their chests and our desire for bigger is generally reserved for our wallets and our closets. At the end of the day, I think you all believe this because well—its wishful thinking….or some Freudian shit about your Mom.

5. Women Want to Discuss your Feelings
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While I appreciate a guy who can express himself, I promise, I don’t want to know how you’re feeling all of the time. In fact, I don’t really want to know at all, unless I ask. Women aren’t always your go-to shrinks. Once again, the media fucked you on this. We don’t have all of the answers and our advice isn’t always sound. We too bottle up emotion and drink Jack Daniels as a means of avoiding reality. This makes us even more wonderful, enjoy it! Let’s avoid feelings together. A thousand pardons, but we aren’t your mother and I bet, at times, your mom doesn’t wanna hear your shit either.

 

Alright, so maybe these are “norms.” Maybe these can be classified as the things that women are known for doing/thinking on a societal level, but regardless, the point was to dispel them. Perhaps these 7 are the ones I hear most often from men ages 18-25. Maybe in my 50s I’ll write another article much like this with things like, “Women Want Botox,” “Women Are Partial to Push up Bras” and “Women Dread Menopause.”


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