5 Things Women ‘Allegedly’ Won’t Tell You About Sex, But You ‘Allegedly’ Need To Know

by 4 years ago

As I traversed the Internet this morning, looking for #CONTENT, I stumbled upon this hot sex advice column entitled, “5 things women won’t tell you about sex (but you need to know).” Since I like hot sex, and because I yearn for knowledge, I allowed myself to be advised.

Excited to find out things women NEVER tell me about sex, I clicked on the post and scrolled my fucking brains out. So thirsty for that knowledge…my headstone will one day say.

Unfortunately, the result of my read was a lackluster. The article offered me next to nothing. I won’t post the whole thing, but here are the five things men need to know about sex, according to some chicks the author polled on Twitter.

1) We can tell when you’re doing something because you saw it in a porno. Most sex in porn is about what’s good for the camera, not what’s good for the participants in it, especially the women. In fact, many things that look good in porn can keep us from having fun in real-life sex.

No you can’t. Plus, any guy worth his salt knows porn moves suck because he tried them once, realized that for himself, and then vowed to live the rest of his life in the missionary position.

2) Endurance is overrated. If you consider a point of pride that you can thrust away for an hour without coming, there’s a high chance your partner is lying under you wondering how on earth she can say she’d have liked to wrap it up 40 minutes ago, but is afraid to say anything because she doesn’t want to stomp all over your accomplishments. The vagina’s ability to continue lubricating itself is limited, which can make marathon sex feel more like a duty than a joy.

Oh, is it? Is it really overrated? Tell that to the guy who is known in his friend circle as Timmy Two Pumps. He’d kill to never bust another nut during sex for the rest of his life just to lose that nickname.

Also, have you ever heard of Astroglide? Thanks to it and its competitors, you can tell your puss to take the rest of the night, science will take it from here.

3) We actually do know what will get us to orgasm. There’s a strong possibility she actually knows exactly what needs to happen, because she’s had practice masturbating, but is afraid to say so because her path to orgasm has been perceived by other men or the culture at large as bitchy or emasculating.

You’re telling me that you know what it’s going to take and you won’t tell the guy? That’s on you, lady. If you don’t like having some guy slamming your clitoral hood like a goddamn auto mechanic, you should probably speak up. Additionally, if something SETS YOU THE FUCK OFF, maybe mention it. Most guys love knowing the best and most efficient way to make their lady howl at the moon.

4) “Getting there” is more trouble than it’s worth. For women who have trouble orgasming, sex could be fun, but it isn’t not because of their lack of orgasm so much as their fear they’ll disappoint their partners. They find themselves avoiding sex because they don’t want to have to endure endless attempts to bring forth an orgasm that will never come, but they still like to masturbate, even if they usually can’t reach orgasm.

That right there was your only valuable nugget of advice. Although one could argue if you are what I will now refer to as a “Never Cum,” and you don’t…like…you know…talk about this shit, you will live your life as a cat herder because no one is going to stay with someone who strays from having sex AND doesn’t tell them why.

5) Our bodies are very sensitive when aroused, so err on the gentle side. When I put the call out for suggestions for this article, this was probably the No. 1 category, with comments like, “That’s a clitoris, not an elevator button.” Nipple-twisting was also denounced, and one woman noted that not every woman is a fan of finger-banging, which can feel rough and sort of pointless. Men who dive at your genitals with their mouths were appreciated for their enthusiasm, but not so much for their technique.

Most guys know this, because we own the most fragile things on earth: testicles. To this day, I still don’t trust my wife to touch my balls. Her hand goes south, I flinch. A lifetime of playing sports without a cup has scarred me for good. But if you do encounter a guy who doesn’t know that your nipples aren’t perpetually numb, a simple “OUCH, that hurts, you fucking shitdick!” will probably get the message across.

[H/T Daily Dot]


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