I could pretty much sum up this article in the following line:
“If you want to make your mother happy, find a girl who is exactly like her.”
But in the name of journalistic integrity and discounting all that freaky-Freudian-shit, I’m not going to do that. I’ve decided I’m going to offer some lengthier reading material on this topic, that way it should last you the entire duration of your morning shit.
Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, it’s important that your mother likes your girlfriend. Actually, it’s fucking imperative that she does, because otherwise you are essentially signing up for a world of hurt (and by “a world of hurt” I mean “constant passive aggressive remarks coupled with her mentioning other, BETTER, options for you”).
It’ll sound a little something like this:
“Hey mom, I was just calling to check in and see how everyone is.”
“Oh, that’s so sweet Danny. Everyone is fine, just the usual stuff. Will you be coming for dinner on Sunday?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there. I was thinking of bringing Jessica with me. Is that okay?”
*Passive aggressive pause*
“Mom, you there?”
“Yeah honey, I’m here. Sure, Jennifer, I’m sorry, Jessica, can come. Your sister’s fiancé will be here also. Hopefully Jessica will be able to keep up with the conversation! She’s not exactly the intellect that he is *maniacal laugh*”
“Okay Mom, see you then.”
“Wait, before you go, do you remember Allison Jansky from High School? She was visiting her parents last weekend and I saw her at the grocery store. She’s just so pretty, really blossomed. She’s finishing up her law degree now. Maybe you should reach out! I mentioned Janet, I mean Jessica, but I said it was nothing serious.”
“Mom, Jessica and I live together. See you Sunday. Goodbye.”
It may be a little less cliché than that, but you get the point. No matter how serious you may get with your girlfriend, some mothers (and by some I mean most) just won’t accept it if they don’t like her.
Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. My mom isn’t like that! If I’m happy, she’s happy. Okay, keep living in Neverland, Bro. All mothers will have an opinion on the person you’re dating. If it’s a good opinion, rock on, bravo, good for you! But if it’s a bad opinion, you best believe she doesn’t give a shit how happy you are. She’s smarter than you, she knows better, she’s always right, and she’s not going to let you forget that.
What’s below isn’t an exact science, but I’d venture to say that if you can find a girl with at least half of these qualities that you’re in the clear.
Well-spoken
This doesn’t necessarily mean educated. This simply means that she can carry on a conversation without saying “uhm” or “like” in between every word.
…. But while we’re on the subject:
Educated
I know, it’s snobby to judge someone based on where they attended college or if they even attended college at all, but this is something that most mothers value. They want to know that the person their little boy ends up with is smart enough to carry her own weight.
Financially Independent
How would your mother even know if your girlfriend is financially independent? Because your mother knows everything, that’s how. If your girlfriend is constantly grubbing off you or requesting lavish gifts with offering nothing in return, your mother will be able to smell it on her from a mile away.
Clean
I don’t mean a clean bill of sexual health (although that’s a plus too), I mostly just mean that her appearance is well-put-together. You know, presentable and what not. This doesn’t necessarily mean that she can’t have bright purple hair, tattoos and piercings because fuck it, its 2016, your mom may very well have those things too, but should she have smudged mascara, knotty hair, and ripped clothing (and not in the fashionable way), no. I guess ultimately what I’m trying to say is that Junkie-Chic will not make your mother happy.
Employed
This is sort of self-explanatory.
Maternal
Even if the having kids talk is wayyyyy down the line for you two, it’s a plus if your girlfriend is good with kids especially if you have young children in the family/extended family. Having a girlfriend who says “Ew, that’s so gross” when your sister’s baby spits up won’t go over too well with your mama.
Funny
Again, this is self-explanatory. People like to laugh, it’s really that simple. While having an un-funny girlfriend isn’t a deal breaker, having one who is funny will always work to your benefit.
Polite
This seems obvious right? Wrong. People don’t give a shit about having good manners nowadays. It’s really refreshing when someone actually says thank you, or you’re welcome, or excuse me, and you know, just basically displays human decency and shit. Find yourself a lady like that.
I know some of these qualities seem pretty outlandish given the times. I mean, we live in a culture where most men meet their girlfriends through Instagram. It’s hard to uphold these old school values when if it weren’t for her selfie in her Calvin Klein sports bra you wouldn’t have made a move in the first place, but it’s important to try. If we can maintain one thing in this crazy world, let it be making our mothers happy.