In life, nothing is certain except for one thing: you’re going to attend a lot of weddings. They can be a lot of fun, and a great chance to connect with friends and family, dance, drink, feast and party. But they can also be filled with tired clichés, awkward moments, and a recurring cast of unwanted characters. These are the annoying things that seem to be a part of every wedding.
Guys/Girls Speeches All Sound the Same
Is there some type of wedding speech class everyone takes? Save for the rare original piece of mouth literature, one guy’s speech sounds pretty much like every guy’s speech and one girl’s speech pretty much like every other girl’s. Guys always seem to be making the same idiotic jokes about marriage, and girls are so goddamn sappy. And the worst thing of all? Everyone takes the same exact pause in between each thought.
Old People Dance Awkwardly to Modern Songs
Oh, old people. We love you because you don’t give a shit. At the same time, the way you dance robotically to great, modern pop songs ruins them for us because all we can picture is swinging hips that look like they’re about to shatter, hairpieces that are threatening to fly off and the creepy look of confused enjoyment on your face.
Sure, the cocktail hour is usually pretty good, but you’ve gotta hunt the wait staff down if you want more than the same goddamn mini quiche over and over again. The real star of the show, however is the dinner. It’s bland, made-for-every-taste, overcooked chicken, fish, or filet mignon banquet fare that’s been congealing under a heat lamp. And if you’re a vegetarian, you’re even worse off.
A Slideshow of the Wedding During the Wedding
Are you absolutely kidding me? As a society we’ve grown so narcissistic, impatient and social media-focused that we need to see pictures of ourselves at the event we’re still at? And if you do like this sort of thing, don’t worry, because there will also be about 50 people taking grainy vertical-oriented photos with their terrible phone camera and uploading them online at the same time.
The DJ Annoying the Hell Out of You
Party host… we need you shut the living fuck up and give us a moment’s peace. I’m trying to talk to friends and family. I’m trying to eat a meal. I’m trying to dance when I fucking feel like it. I’m not trying to stand up and sit down every few minutes like I’m at a religious service.
Awkward Religious Service
And speaking of… are you a Chrispy Christian at a Jewish wedding? Or maybe unable to hide your inherent Jewishness at a Hindu affair? The service is going to be awkward as fuck. Either you’ll be participating and feel dirty all over for casting your religion aside just to do what everyone else is, or you’ll stand out like a Jew in the pews when everyone goes up to snack on communion.
At Least One Unconscionably Drunk Person
There always seems to be one insane troublemaker. Whether it’s a bridesmaid taking whole steamed lobsters from the raw bar and putting on an impromptu puppet show or your drunk uncle emulating Bobby Moynihans’ character from Saturday Night Live, there’s always at least one person who forgot they have an alcohol-soaked history of being an asshole.
Wedding image by Shutterstock