I Just Graduated College And The Real World Sucks, HELP!

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Q: Any advice for getting over the sadness of not returning back to the greatest 4 years of your life aka college in the Fall? I graduated in May and I’ve been really fucking bummed how it’s all over. Granted, I’m sure things will get a tad better once I get my first big-boy job, and also whenever the day comes that I move out of my house, but I really hate the mediocre life I’m gonna have (realistically) for the next year or so.

A: Wah wah wah dude. Yes, college is fucking fantastic on all accounts. That’s no secret. Zero responsibility coupled with a seemingly endless bank account amongst all of your favorite people is ideal, but everybody has to grow up some day, and you sir, are no exception. That’s the way it goes.

In short, fucking suck it up. Everyone has to go through it and it’s terrible.

The up-side is that once you get immersed in it, the real world life just AIN’T so bad. In fact, it’s pretty fucking awesome. You have an income, independent home, live in a cool new city and get to pretend like you’re grown up but still act like the blacked out fool you’ve always been. Take my word for it, despite certain obvious downfalls, it’s pretty sweet.

I will concede that you’re in the shittiest part of the transition; there’s really no question about that. But like all other graduates, you will conquer this. In all (hopeful) likelihood, these will be your final days of sharing a roof and tagging onto the grocery bill of those sweet parents of yours, so soak it in.

Hug your family dog. Help your mom cook dinner. Take out the trash. Stop crying. And, in the meantime, hit the fucking pavement trying to get employed so you can relieve your parents of the financial burdens they’ve carried for the past 21 years.

Q: My girlfriend decided this year that she was going to be in a fantasy league and has been driving me crazy with questions. I like that she decided to be into it but…when am I allowed to tell her to figure it out on her own? Is there a chick code about letting a boyfriend help out?

A: Telling your girlfriend she’s annoying is something I always avoid advising on. Nothing good has ever come from that. But you already knew that.

If she’s asking for one-off pointers, just send her some sparknotes. Email her all of your notes, charts, graphs and cheat sheets that you’ve ever put together, then let her digest and sift through all the bullshit of position-ranked players that she’ll never fully grasp.

If she has a question, just tell her its all in the chart. If this frustrates her, shoot out the first piece of advice that comes to mind to shut her up.

As far as chick code goes, ITBWOBF (Insider trading by way of boyfriend) is always frowned upon, particularly by the more single members of a lady-friend group. But don’t worry your head about that. Though you might be annoyed right now, overall this is a really positive thing.

Think of it not as a temporary annoyance but more of a long-term investment. When football season rolls around you’ve got a girlfriend who isn’t bored, is willing to throw back some beers at the sports bar, and might even start an argument with some football heads along the way.

Most importantly, be patient and (at least seemingly) helpful. She’ll appreciate it, and it will show.

Q: I met a girl about two months ago at a bar one night. She was just my type, 5’10” blonde and wicked hot. We talked for a while and as everything was wrapping up she asks to come home with me. I oblige and we go to get a cab. Fast forward: she pukes in the cab. GAME OVER. I put her to sleep in my bed, I sleep in another room as I’m not a disgusting piece of shit. Morning comes around and she doesn’t remember the night so I fill her in. She’s mortified but thanks me for looking after her and I drop her off. I figured it was a drunk night and I’d never talk to her again but she texted me later that day. She’s actually really cool and we talk and flirted nearly every day since and hung out four or five times. Made out the only time we went drinking again but stopped from moving on. So what’s going on here and where do I take it? I need an unbiased opinion because this is getting to be a lot of work for nothing.

A: I’ll tell you off the bat that this girl definitely has interest in you. Of course she was embarrassed about blacking out, going home with a guy she just met at sunrise, and puking en route to doing so. From her perspective she’s got some bouncing back to do. My question to you is this: if you’ve hung out four or five times and only one of them involved drinking–at the risk of exposing myself as an alcoholic, what activities were you guys partaking in? A movie? Mini-golf? These activities are fine and well, but WHERE’S THE DINNER?

Haven’t you ever heard the phrase, “Wine em’, dine em’, 69 em’? Cuz if I were you, it’s the one I’d be living by right now.  Though my instincts have failed me on a few (less than four) occasions, I really don’t think you’re in danger of being friendzoned at this point, nor do I think she’s stringing you along. I just think she’s feeling a little timid and embarrassed about being so forward from the get-go and is in need of a little extra push to get her back to that point…minus the puking of course.

Look at it as if starting a clean slate. Call and ask her to get dinner this weekend. Choose a nice spot, pick her up from her place (meeting her there is acceptable if in the city) and really get to know her (with the help of some wine at dinner). You need to set this up in a fashion that shows you take her seriously and aren’t solely trying to bang her one time or make anew platonic friend.

Q: Things have started to get pretty serious with me and a girl I met through mutual friends a while ago. She is super cool and comes from a great family but their political views are completely opposite from my family’s. The families haven’t met yet but are going to next weekend- how do I prevent a political bomb from dropping and maybe ruining more than just dinner plans?

A: Ah yes; the good old red and blue. Everyone says when you mix the two together it makes purple–which by the way, is one of my favorite colors– but from my experience thus far, it usually just makes a shit-colored stain on an otherwise lovely interaction.

If you like this girl, you can’t allow these deep-rooted family opinions (which, need I remind you, have zero ties to your relationship) to affect your future. You know that, she knows that….you’d like to pretend like your family knows that…but ultimately it’s on you to take the preventative measures to make sure things don’t go awry.

The key here is distraction. Any way to avert their thoughts and attention from politics, hard stances and related bullshit is an absolute must. My first thought would be to go for a dinner outing rather than cooking at home. Menus, loud noises, seating arrangements etc will help to add to the shuffle and break up any potential teams from forming. Some live music at the venue couldn’t hurt. Additionally, any other family members (a la sisters/cousins) you could drag along for the ride– assuming they’re on the same page as you — will help to lighten the mood and dilute conversation.

Distraction, distraction, distraction.

If the dreaded conversation starts to rear its head, all you can do is suggest a topic change as a means of not spoiling the mood of such a lovely evening.

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