Cosmopolitan Magazine, or just ‘Cosmo’ for short, has for decades been making a fortune off feeding completely asinine and borderline irresponsible sex advice to women. As a male editor, I could spend an entire career dissecting and bashing Cosmo’s sex tips for women but that’s not what I’m here to do today.
Today, we’re looking at the very best of ‘If Cosmo Wrote Sex Tips For Men’ and what they’d look like. Just a quick word of advice: do the opposite of everything below! None of these are real, these are just hypothetical ‘if Cosmo did write them, this is what they’d look like’ type of sex tips (via AskReddit):
For some exciting sexy talk, compare her to your ex-girlfriends!
Fill her pussy with baking soda and your mouth with vinegar, then go down on her for a real eruption of pleasure. For added effect, do this while she’s on the rag. For an A+, do it in front of your 4th grade teacher.
Well the ones I see on the cover at the checkout line are terrible, so with that in mind:
Surprise her. With anal.
Dip your dick in chocolate sauce for a better blow job.
Get her friends involved.
I put whipped cream on my dick when I want a blowjob. Works a treat but my girlfriend is putting on weight. What now Cosmo?
Fat free whip and more energetic sex to lose weight.
Surprise her while wearing a hairnet (anywhere that has hair)
Knead her breasts like dough, occasionally adding olive oil and salt.
Refer to her genitals as ‘a mighty fine pizza pie’
This will get her in the mood for something!
Surprise your girlfriend with a threesome!
Eat hot peppers before going down on her; it will give her a warm tingle she won’t forget!
Dump her ass and leave her totally wanting more!
Want to really drive her wild?
While going down on your girlfriend, surprise her with a hard nibble on her clit.
Mix up your fingering game by grinding your knuckle into her clit. Really get in there and pulverize her clit into submission.
While you’re inside her, use your hips and pretend to write your name in cursive. If applicable, do not forget to dot the lowercase i or j.
Top ten foreplay foods to drive her wild!
10) buffalo wings
8) Lots of garlic
7) Ghost Chilli
6) Just jam a knife in there
4.) Jolly Ranchers!
2) Bacterial Growth Serum
“Yank on her clit! You’ll be amazed at the response!!”
Ass-to-mouth. Don’t ask, just do it!
Spread her legs and surprise her with a hard slap on her vulva!
Indian burn her clitoris!
If you’re a busy man but still want to satisfy her needs, take her doggy style and use her back to write notes on. Or put your laptop on her ass. Multitasking is a quality highly sought after in a partner!
Turn her period into an exclamation point!
“Stick your penis in a bucket of ice for an hour beforehand. It’ll give her a special tingle that sends chills up her spine!”
“Tickle her clitoris with your nipples. The sight alone will drive her mad!”
“Surprise her naked at the door when she comes home from work and give her a big, ‘welcome home’ motorboating.”
Blow into her pussy and wait for her head to explode with pleasure!
Vanilla_Pizza 1838 points 1 day ago
Put her in medical stirrups and then go to town on her in a pair of scrubs while screaming, “Who’s your gyno?!”
Make yourself a sandwich, and then share half with your girlfriend.
Last, but not least.
Want to pleasure her clit? Its all about surprising her by rubbing it with different textures; the coarseness of sandpaper, the heat of hot wax, the cool metal feel of a cheese grater. Any of these will drive her wild!
Give a new sexy meaning to breakfast in bed: while your girlfriend is still asleep, crouch over her as if your sitting on a toilet and position your arsehole over her mouth, just the sensual tickle of your ball sack on her chin will make her unable to resist eating out your anus!
Is your girlfriend feeling bloated and unattractive because of her period? Show her you care about her by buying her some chocolate and smothering it all over your dick and fucking her face until she vomits, that way she gets a chocolate treat, feels sexy and doesn’t have to worry about calories.
If your girlfriend likes skin care products, but hates the price, always make sure you cum on her face as its good for her skin. I mean really you’re helping her, by helping her save money.
Fingering? That’s for pussies, use your fist. Pretend you’re putting on a performance with sock puppets! She’ll love it.
Got genital warts? A herpes outbreak? Don’t tell her, just have sex with the lights off, than tell her afterwards and ask her if it was as pleasurable as those dildos with spikes/bumps that are so popular nowadays.
If you experiment with anal with your girlfriend and she gets embarrassed about a bit of shit on your dick, show her its no big deal, by pulling out adult sized diapers. It shows you’re prepared and will make great father material in the future.
If your girlfriend enjoys being eaten out, but has a bad vaginal odor, just make a ritual of erotically preparing for cunnilingus by cleaning out her vagina with bleach.
Make your girlfriend feel special by complimenting her body parts, especially if she is insecure about them. Tell her how much you love her big nipples because they remind you of the pepperoni you like on pizza. Tell her how her thighs remind you of the moon with their whiteness and little craters all over the surface. Tell her she has the body of a god, remind her that Buddha is also chubby and has a big pot belly.
Aaaaand just for shits and giggles, someone mocked up with that cover of the magazine would look like for this particular issue: