Losing your virginity generally sucks. You don’t quite know what you’re doing, you’re paranoid about doing something stupid and most likely she’ll probably be left thinking “Well that was fucking lame” after you finish by the two-minute mark. And while that doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone, it certainly makes Redditor bradred101’s attempt at losing his virginity all the more depressing – how can getting your dick wet for the first time really go THIS bad?
Answer: with a lot of alcohol, apparently.
This happened this past Friday night/ Saturday morning.
I always been shy and depressed so talking with people is hard for me. Even harder to talk with women. Plus I don’t think of myself as very attractive and thing women wouldn’t be interested in my anyways.
I am 25 and a virgin. I never kissed a girl or even held a girls hand before. So I figured I do what everyone seems to do in the movies and go to a bar and see what happens. I don’t drink but I have read it can make you less shy and more out going. What could possible go wrong?
Its Friday evening and I decided to go downtown and find a nice bar with lots of people. Got there around 6 pm and sat down at those stools at the counter. The lady behind the counter asked me what I wanted and since I don’t drink I had no idea and just told her this is my first time.
She starts listing off bunch of stuff like beers, cocktails, shots and bunch of other stuff I really can’t remember. I figured I would try a little of everything and see what I like.
I started off with a Molsen Canadian. One of the few beers I actually do know. Tasted horrible, they all tasted horrible. But I kept drinking one after the other and just having random beers and shots and cocktails. After the 3rd one I felt a little sick and threw up in the bathroom. Felt much better after puking.Its about 1 am, not sure how many drinks I have had. I probably puked about 4 times and still have not chatted with anyone except the lady behind the counter who was the one asking me what I wanted to drink. I trip and my glasses get knocked off as I was making my way to the door. A woman picks them hands puts them on my face and asks me if I was all right. Told her I was fine and just had to much to drink.
We both head outside and start walking and she asks me where I was headed. Told her I was going the skytrain to go home. She grabs my arm and pulls me towards her and wraps her arm in mine and said the skytrain is closed this late and why don’t I just stay the night at her place.We get to her place and as soon as we walk into her apartment she starts kissing me and I am standing there like an idiot. I never kissed before so didn’t really know how to. She happened to guess what I never done this before so she said she would teach me. At this point I am getting excited and nervous at the same time that somehow I will fuck it all up. After some kissing she takes my pants off and I am already hard. She teases me with her tongue then proceeds to give me a blowjob. I take off her shirt and she goes back to blowing me as I tried to take off her bra. Words can’t describe the feeling or my emotions as it was finally happening. But it didn’t last long as I had just managed to take her bra off that I felt something run down my penis. I didn’t realize what it was until the smell hit me. She had puked on me while giving me a blowjob. The smell and the sight of her puking soon took over me and I also vomited all over her head.
I pulled up my vomit covered pants and ran to the bathroom and quickly got into the shower. Started to wash myself and my clothes the best I could. She having taken off all her clothes came into the shower with me and apologized repeatedly as I did the same.
I got out quickly, grabbed my stuff and left as she was still in the shower. Its about 3 am maybe and since no trains were running I walked around in the cold, rainy night.
Once I finally got home I quickly took another shower for god knows how long. Luckily it was a Saturday and my family was still asleep. Went to my room and passed out.I wake up to my phone ringing but I couldn’t move my body. I just laid there on the bed with my eyes closed and a massive headache. My whole body was in pain. I eventually fell back asleep and just woke up few hours ago. I took another shower and when I got to back to my room I noticed I had about 4 calls from her and dozen or so text messages. I don’t remember giving her my phone number so not sure how she got it. The texts all were basically her apologizing and wanting to make it up to me. I have yet to respond and don’t really know what to say.
TL;DR: Lonely virgin. Got drunk. Met a girl. Things got wet, really wet.
Not gonna lie, the fact that she didn’t chase him out of her house screaming makes this chick hella chill. Bro best be hitting her up in the next few days, because any chick who can take getting puked on like a champ is definitely worth at least a phone call.
[Via Reddit]