You can tell a lot about a man by the type of beer he drinks. We all drink many types, but everyone has the one they always order at their favorite bar, the one the bartender already has poured so you can start your night off right. What does your favorite beer say about what kind of Bro you are?
Stouts – Bold, Confident Mountain Man
No matter the stout you are – imperial, oatmeal, sweet – you are a tall, dark drink. You have bold, malty flavors, sometimes with a hint of hops, fruit, caramel or cream. Stout men aren’t afraid to be distinct, but they don’t make a big show of it. They know who they are and can step up to the task when needed. They blaze their own trail and don’t mind if anyone follows or not.
Examples of Stout Men: William Wallace, Tom Selleck, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
IPA – Loud, Fun Party Guy
No matter the color of the beer, you are looking for a lot of hops. In fact, you crave the hops, whereas most people balk at it. You are the life of every party, and you don’t often stop to take a break. IPA men love to have a good time and get more pleasure seeing other people happy because of their actions. They are the good-hearted ringleader, the attention grabbers, the mythical men with a successful work-life balance. Keep an eye out, though, they are also the wild cards of the group.
Examples of IPA Men: Dirty Harry, Rodney Dangerfield in “Caddyshack,” Cool Hand Luke
Wheat Ale – Chill Guy
Everyone has that buddy who you’ve known forever and can depend on for anything. They are always the ones happy to bail you out of trouble, but never really get in trouble themselves. They are cool, calm and collected at all times. They’re like the Dad of your friend group, but really the Dad you’ve always wanted. The Dad that only does the fun stuff, like hang out and play golf with you until the ninth hole when you call it quits and go home and crack open a six pack. They are simple, but they are always your go-to.
Examples of Wheat Ale Men: The Dude, Chevy Chase in “Caddyshack,” Kevin Costner in sports movies
Pilsner – Wise Ass Guy
You can’t pull the leg of a Pilsner guy, he always knows what’s what and always has a wittier comeback. He’s likable and fun, but not overbearing. Pilsners are lagers that have an extra bit of flavor, extra bit of hops, and get just a bit stronger. These guys are fine until they hear bullshit and then they whip into action. These are the guys you want to be friends with and invite over for a six pack. They aren’t gonna get the party started, but they will keep it rolling.
Examples of Pilsner Men: John McClaine, Leonardo DiCaprio in “Catch Me If You Can,” Danny Glover in “Lethal Weapon”
Saison – Beach Bum
This belgian blend, originally meant as a poor man’s summer beer, still carries above a 5% ABV and is sold all season long. It’s a lighter beer with still enough kick to keep you going. These guys love lounging around all summer, but appreciate the finer things in life. They are content with their lives, but lack the ambition to move up. They tend to get settled into routines very easily, but have plenty of great one-liners and mantras they’ve made up. They are philosophers in the modern era, under-appreciated and unemployable.
Examples of Saison Men: Jeff Spicoli, Ben Affleck in “Good Will Hunting,” Paul Rudd in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”
Barley Wine – 80s Prep Villain
There’s nothing light about a Barley Wine, even if its color may suggest it. These beers insist on being aged and generally run in the double digits ABV, guaranteed to sneak up on you. Originally these prized beers were only drunk by the English elite. Today, ordering one is a low key indicator that you’re not only going to get belligerent, but you are going to do it in style and probably torture some poor nerds along the way. Drinking Barley Wine will turn you into any one of James Spader’s characters in the 1980s.
Examples of Barley Wine Men: Bradley Cooper in “Wedding Crashers,” Omega Theta Pi (“Animal House”), Billy Zane in “Titanic”
Bud Light & other fizzy yellow beers – Peter Pans
Yes, we all got drunk to cheap, fizzy, yellow beer in college and that was fine. However, we grew up and learned what beer was actually supposed to taste like. Not only that, it was higher in alcohol. It was a win-win for everyone and the world rejoiced. Some people, however, never wanted to grow up from college. Until the end of time they will be playing beer pong and going to their old fraternity house to hit on girls who’ve become much, much younger than them. It could be sad, but these guys will always have your back. You’ll just need to have their back a few times more.
Examples of Fizzy Yellow Beer Guys: Bluto, Matthew McConaughey in “Dazed and Confused,” Frank “The Tank”
Natty Ice – Desperate People
You really want to get drunk, don’t you? You’re ready to shell out money for more fermented horse piss than you know what to do with for that sole mission. For your sake, we hope you achieve your goal. It’ll just be a sad spectacle to watch you do it. Remember, drinking should be fun, not a gruesome, horrifying experience.
Examples of Natty Ice People: Edward Norton in “Fight Club,” the cast of “Office Space”
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