Where Should You Have Your Bachelor Party?

Bachelor parties are the stupidest weekend in a man’s life. And I don’t say that as a bad thing. They’re not fueled by logic or wisdom, but rather whiskey and a primal, pack mentality. Mistakes are made, you just have to hope you’re able to clean up after them.

But what is the purpose of a bachelor party? It’s not about who can fold up a dollar bill like paper airplane and land it in a stripper’s g-string. It’s about making memories with your very engaged best Bro. It’s supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be stupid. The particulars are up to you guys.

But the venue itself for a bachelor party is incredibly important. It dictates all of the trouble you can get into. Below are some of the best, some of the worst and one that will put you on a government watch list somewhere.

New Orleans, LA: Strip clubs! Shitty bars! A casino! YES, THERE’S SOMEHOW A FUCKING CASINO HERE. Plus the food is incredible. They somehow find a way to put sausage and shellfish in everything (JEW HEAVEN). And the cherry on top? You can drink EVERYWHERE. Remember that open container ticket you got sophomore year? That doesn’t exist here! What unfortunately does exist: give or take 8 million dudes with SEC hair in pink shorts and croakies (THEY’RE COMING BACK ONE OF THESE DAYS I SWEAR).

Between the constant supply of music, great food and state regulated vice, New Orleans is a great choice. You’ll never be more hungover in your life, but you’ll have lasting memories. Coming here for your little party makes you a smart man. As long as you stay out of trouble, mon ami.

Miami: This city needs to get tested. Whenever I go to Miami I can almost feel the herpes in the air. It’s a dirty, naked and amazing place. The women are drop dead gorgeous and the city itself has some of the best nightclubs in the country, if you’re into that sort of thing (don’t forget your fedora!). I also feel like you don’t have to wear a shirt anywhere you go. A plus in my book!

But Miami is a complicated mistress. As amazing as the clubs are, they are SUPER hard to get into. It’s also a very spread out city, making driving a hassle for when your crew has ingested a water tower full of Bud Light Lime. You’re going to spend a lot and get into trouble. If you’re not scared of that then by all means proceed.

Las Vegas: Ah yes, the cliché destination. But there’s a reason this is the classic venue for thirsty ass dudes and grooms to be. This city’s veins are pumping with indulgence and 5-Hour Energy fluid. Vegas’ true “appeal” when it comes to bachelor parties is its three headed, hydra-like tripod of sin: gambling, strip clubs and hookers. And to be honest, I don’t know which one is more dangerous.

But a word to the wise for those who are impervious to shame: prostitution is ILLEGAL in Las Vegas. That doesn’t mean you won’t run into prostitutes (they’re everywhere). But true, legal prostitution only happens at brothels in counties of Nevada where it is allowed by law. See, you learned something!

What makes Vegas great is what also makes Vegas the worst place on earth. You are guaranteed to overdo it one way or another. You’re lucky if you just drink too much and throw up on a guy in an Elmo costume. I’ve seen guys lose on gambling (money), on strippers (money + girlfriends) and ladies of the night (money + girlfriends + dignity). So if you’re game for Sin City, have some goddamned self-control.

Atlantic City, NJ: Las Vegas’ sketchier cousin who always wears a New York Jets jersey for some reason. Now at first glance, AC has a lot to offer a bachelor party group in the form of bars, clubs and casinos. But the unfortunate reality is this once proud vacation destination was decimated by Hurricane Sandy in 2012.

Casinos and nightclubs are closing. Things are depressing there. I’d love for AC to rebound, but I am not about to recommend it for an important weekend in a Bro’s life.

New York, NY: The Big Apple, baby! The City that Never Sleeps! The Big Smoke! The Venice of the North! Whatever! Now I live here and adore this city, but let’s be real: it’s the most expensive goddamn place you can visit for a bachelor party. At least in Vegas you might lose your money in a glorious casino meltdown. Here, you’ll blow it on greasing a bouncer at a club you’ll never get into and a $19 tuna melt at 3:00 AM.

New York is incredibly fun but it takes a lot of work and moolah to have a coordinated bachelor party here. Restaurants and bars are pricey, clubs are super hard to get into. Even staying here can put a heater on your wallet unless you’re crashing with a buddy. So I can’t put my stamp of approval on NYC unless you’re all ready to spend, spend, spend. If you do choose New York, you’re either independently wealthy or one of Derek Jeter’s illegitimate sons (YOU KNOW THEY’RE OUT THERE).

Bangkok: I’ll just go ahead and alert the authorities now.

My advice? SMALL TOWN, USA: The best bachelor parties I’ve been to occurred in smaller towns. I know what you’re saying: MARCUS, WE WANT HOOKERS AND BATH SALTS AND UNDERGROUND RUSSIAN ROULETTE. I get that. But while the big city action is enticing, the pace of the weekend can make it a blur. I formed better and more lasting memories with my best friends in Newport, RI and on a ski weekend than I ever did facedown in a stripper’s funbags.

Smaller towns require research, but you’ll also find yourself having more fun. Rent a house, buy all the beer your parent’s Volvo can carry and drive to someplace fun but not too fun. I guarantee you won’t regret it.

P.S. Every town has strippers. 😉