The Best Delivery Pizzas Ranked By How Hard It Is To Order Their Food While Stoned
If you ask any 18-35-year-old male in America if April 20th should be a national holiday, they will more times than not agree. 4/20 has been a holiday for stoners forever, and even the casual weed smoker is going to get involved on marijuana’s birthday.
4/20 is known for the weed, but also for the munchies that come around 5:00 and the go to food is undoubtedly pizza. In the past bro’s across America had to deal with placing an order over the phone, which usually takes two to three tries because of forgetting the order/laughing while on the phone/misdialing the number.
Luckily for everybody participating in 4/20 festivities, the feared phone call doesn’t have to happen anymore because of online ordering services. Thank god for technology. Today I am going to do a little bit of research for all of you to determine the pizza chain to choose based on three categories:
Home Page: Out Of 5 Points. The home page is huge. The photos of the pizza need to be appetizing. The “order now” button needs to be obvious, because I’m looking to put in minimum work.
Ordering Display: Out Of 5 Points. I want to see beautiful aesthetics out of these chains. I want it to look clean. I want the process of ordering to be pleasing to my eye. I am a firm believer that if the display is pleasing, the pizza will be too.
Ease Of Placing Order: Out Of 10 Points. This needs to be simple. On 4/20, I want the entire process of ordering to be as easy as possible. This is INCREDIBLY important, hence, why this is out of 10 points, not 5.
Got it? Good. I know it’s a confusing formula, but I think you’ll get the hang of it…..Here are the power rankings:
4. Little Caesars
Home Page: 2/5
I like how they are telling me how cheap the pizza is. As a college student who already probably spent too much on bud on 4/20, a $5 pizza sounds good in theory (my stomach may disagree later).
BUT the problem here is where is the “order here” button? I shouldn’t have to search for it. I’m going to be high at the time I go on here, but that doesn’t mean I will have patience. Unacceptable, Little Caesars…..
Ordering Display: 2/5
It turns out Little Caesars is too ratchet of a pizza chain to have its own online pizza ordering service. So, if for some reason you decide to say “fuck it” and order Little Caesars you have to use a third party service like GrubHub.
Ease Of Placing Order: 2/10
This is where Little Caesars really took a hit. Being on GrubHub, the entire thing just took way too much work. I had to command-find “Cheese Pizza” on the menu. When I’m ordering pizza, especially if I’m not sober, I want pizza to be the number one thing that pops up on my screen. What showed up first on the GrubHub Little Caesar screen?
Yeah, I don’t give a shit about Lipton Sparkling Lemonade Iced Tea for two major reasons. One, what even is that drink? Sparkling Iced Tea…? That doesn’t even make sense. Two, IT ISN’T PIZZA.
Final Score: 6/20
3. Papa Johns
Home Page: 5/5
YES! PAPA JOHNS IS IN THE HOUSE!
I honestly expected nothing less out of the man, the myth, the legend, Papa John. This interface is not only aesthetically pleasing, but also incredibly easy to navigate. I love how the “Start Your Order” button is the biggest one on the home page. They understand how easy I want it on 4/20. You get me, Papa John, you get me.
Ordering Display: 5/5
Again, Papa John’s impresses me. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t want to be thinking a lot come 5:00 on April 20th, I want somebody else to do the thinking. Here I have Papa John giving me HIS picks, and honestly, I don’t think I can ask for anything more.
Ease Of Placing Order: 4/10
The end of Papa John’s move to the top of the power rankings started once I pressed the “Start Your Order” button.
As you can see we have the VITAL “locate me” button, but that is only for the carryout option and god knows that I am NOT getting off the couch unless it’s for the pizza delivery guy. So, I pressed the “looking for delivery?” option and got this:
WHERE IS MY “LOCATE ME” BUTTON, PAPA JOHN? WHERE? At this point, I gave up on the Papa John service. I don’t know my zip code right now, and I’m sober as I wrote this. There is a negative 8 percent chance I remember my zip code on 4/20.
You know what, screw it, I’m going to give Papa John 2 extra points and make it a 16/20. Why? Because of this, and only this:
2. Pizza Hut
Home Page: 5/5
Boom. I love it. I know my food isn’t going to look as good as it does in the advertisements (Pizza Hut has tricked me with that scheme before), but I still love the overall display. At this point I’m not only thinking pizza, but a side of wings.
Also, you see right in the middle of your screen “order ’em up.” You don’t even have to think about it!
Ordering Display: 4/5
Simple. Nothing out of the ordinary. It gets the job done. It’s like getting with a 6 or a 7. You are happy with it, but you aren’t going to be telling your buddies about it the second you get the opportunity.
Ease Of Placing Order: 9/10
Pizza Hut really did a nice job here. Let us start with this BRILLIANT addition to the ordering process by Pizza Hut:
Helping me out with how many people it usually takes to finish their pies is useful when I’m sober, but I know around 5:00 on 4/20 there is going to be a lot of laugh-filled arguments between high college Bros that are debating how many pies of pizza to get. Pizza Hut, a truly revolutionary company, is helping end that argument once and for all. I can only imagine the advanced calculus that went into finding out these numbers. Amazing. I love nerds.
After deciding how any pies to get, the process is incredibly simple as this pops up
And you are pretty much on your way.
Overall, great job by Pizza Hut. I had not used their online delivery service prior to this, and I’m genuinely impressed (their food, on the other hand, is a different story).
Home Page: 3/5
You may be thinking “wow, why did you give it a 3 out of 5? The interface is beautiful.” In all honesty, I agree with you, but once I got on this site I just went “ehhhhh” to myself.
I have the same thing with the San Antonio Spurs. They play beautiful basketball, but every time I watch them a part of me just doesn’t like it. I don’t know why, but I just can’t stand it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching the Knicks my entire life, who knows.
Ordering Display: 6/5
“No time to waste? Choose a meal and head straight to checkout”
Thank you, Dominos. THANK YOU. You know I have no time to waste. You know I want my pizza now, and you are putting it on display in a beautiful way.
You may notice I gave it a 6 out of 5. This isn’t a mistake. This is solely based on the “Dominos Pizza Tracker” addition to the process:
This is great for a million reasons. The biggest of them is I can be sitting on my couch, stoned, and see how close my pizza is to being done. I also LOVE how they guarantee a 30-minute delivery, and add what time my pizza was “boxed” at. I know what I am getting with Dominos, and that is a major plus.
Ease Of Placing Order: 10/10
And to make things better, before you place your order, Dominos has a nice little “you might also enjoy” menu pop up. I will definitely end up forgetting to order desert, which is arguably the most important part of 4/20 (rather than the obvious). Dominos knows I’m going to be craving a Chocolate Lava Crunch Cake when I’m done with my pizza, and that’s what makes them great.
So, at the end of this massive research project, I have came to the conclusion that Dominos is the way to go. Yeah, the initial display may not be up to par, but everything else about the ordering process will make your 4/20 great again. The ease and display while putting in the order (especially the tracker) is what gave it the one point edge over Pizza Hut.
I hope I helped your 4/20 by even a small percentage with this article. At the end of the day, you can’t go wrong unless you order Little Caesars (I think the idea that a human being has actually ate a full LC pizza is a myth, call me a conspiracy theorist I don’t care). Even if you end up ordering a pizza from your crappy local pizzeria you’ll be fine, because we all know that anything at around 5:00 on April 20th is going to fulfill those munchies.
What do you think? Is Dominos the way to go? Let me know on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt if I’m wrong, I love a good pizza debate.