Have you ever had a girlfriend who is just really fucking awesome when it comes to buying you presents, but for some reason when it’s your turn to buy something for her you fail miserably? If the answer is yes, I’m sure you’re familiar with the image of her unwrapping gifts as she holds back tears of disappointment wondering how the fuck you thought a matching wool pajama set in the middle of August was going to make her happy.
Here’s the thing though: screwing up with your girlfriend is pretty much the status quo for most dudes. It’s bound to happen in one way or another and if the worst of it is a wool pajama set, then your lady should consider herself lucky.
It’s a bit different though when it comes to your mother, and here’s why (none of this should be a foreign concept to you, but let’s just break it down for good measure):
- SHE GAVE YOU LIFE
- SHE RAISED YOU
- ALL OF THE ABOVE
I could list 100 more reasons, but that’s about the gist of it.
You are contractually obligated (I’m not sure if there’s an actual mother-child contract lying around somewhere in the world, but there should be) to show that woman gratitude every fucking day, but especially the one time a year on Mother’s Day in the form of a kickass present….because without her, there would be no you.
For those of you sitting there thinking about sperm and how it’s necessary to give birth, I’m going to ask you to maybe shut the fuck up a little bit.
If you’re at a complete loss as to what you should get your mother, follow the guidelines below. I’ve even broken it down based on different budgets because well, I’m sure some of you are unemployed, or maybe even artists, which is basically the same thing.
Disclaimer: The definition of a mother is pretty diverse. These guidelines are reserved for any woman who has made it her life’s mission to love, protect, and take care of you.
If you have stupid amounts of expendable cash:
-Jewelry is always a solid gift for any woman, but when it comes to your mom it should be more sentimental than it is glitzy (sentimentality is basically the number one attribute for buying your mom a gift). I would go with anything that includes the birth stones of her children, or something engraved. Necklaces and bracelets are more ideal than rings. P.S. body chains are absolutely out of the question, in case you were wondering.
-Shoes or a handbag are both practical gifts for your mom but only if they’re quality. You want something that is going to last a long time (meaning the word faux isn’t in the description). Stick to neutral colors (black, brown, beige, or navy blue). Do not buy your mother shoes reminiscent of anything a stripper would wear. Stick to boots or anything with a heel 3 inches or less (if that’s confusing to some of you, think of your thumb, that’s an inch). If your mother is in fact a stripper, no judgement, go for those rhinestone stilettos.
-A ticket to somewhere relaxing will undoubtedly solidify your status as a Golden Child. Again, this is for Bros with a lot of dispensable cash. I’m not suggesting that the average 20-something-dude is financially stable enough to do this, but if you are, don’t be a cheap ass: give your mother what she truly deserves. Depending upon what kind of lady your mother is, you can send her alone or fork up the cash for an additional ticket for your dad, her boy-toy, etc.
If you are somewhat financially stable:
–A gift certificate to a spa isn’t going to break the bank permitting you do only one or two treatments. I’m going to suggest a massage (at least 30 minutes) or a facial (no, not that kind, get your head out of the gutter, perverts).
-A gift certificate to the nail salon. I’d say no less than 50 bucks so she can get both a manicure and pedicure with enough left over for a tip. If your mother lives in Manhattan (or a city of the like) it will have to be at least $70.00 because it’s a succubus of a place when it comes to your bank account/overall happiness.
-Taking her to brunch is a great idea. Women are genetically programmed to love brunch. My only recommendation is that you do this the day before Mother’s Day or the weekend after. Otherwise you’ll have to foot the bill for additional family members who want to come along (which is still a solid idea, but would have to be placed in the aforementioned financial category of, “stupid amounts of expendable cash.”)
If you’re broke/if your mother still pays your bills:
-Make her a meal (and clean the fuck up after it)
-Balloons and a card (with an incredibly touching hand written message)
-Take care of the household chores (do the laundry, clean the toilets, vacuum the carpets, etc.)
Alright, that’s about it fellas. I’m thinking with what I’ve provided, you can’t possibly fuck up this Sunday. Also, I’m really in no way suggesting that the amount of money you spend on your mother correlates to how much you love her or how grateful she’ll be, I’m simply saying that, if you have it, then by all means spend it on someone actually worthy of it, and if you don’t have it, do your damndest to show appreciation in other ways.