Bros In The Know: The 2014 Midterm Elections

Hey guys, it’s Election Day and I know exactly what you’re thinking.

“What the hell? I voted in 2012. I thought I didn’t have to vote for another two years.”

That’s correct! It’s not compulsory and your middle school Civics teacher is probably dead, so it’s not like you will be disappointing anyone if you don’t (anyone living, that is). So don’t feel pressured. At all. Our current system has done an amazing job of rendering each person’s individual vote so completely impotent that it’s an utter surprise anyone votes at all. I don’t and I’m a fucking genius.

So don’t vote. But, fun fact: your employer can’t make you prove you left work to vote. So use the election as an excuse to leave early and hit the bar, or just sit in your car and cry while holding a handgun in you lap or whatever it is you like to do with your free time. I assume jerk off, and if it’s jerking off you want to do, by all means, go for it. You don’t need me to tell you to jerk off. Jerk off all you want.

But there is an election today. And it’s kind of an important one. Sort of. Wait. No. It’s not important at all. No election in America is. Thanks to a lack of term limits and a reelection rate for incumbents that hovers somewhere around 226%, no election in America ever matters. I can’t stress that enough. Nothing you do today will influence anything, unless you live in Louisiana, North Carolina, Colorado, maybe (but probably not) Virginia and like some of those other states. I can’t list all of them; there’s 33 freaking Senate races and I’m not here to be your personal Jeff Statistician or even your Jeff Guy Who Can Name Every State In The Union. No one can list every state in America from memory. That’s insane.

There’s also 500 House of Representatives races, which seems like too many. How many fucking Congress people are there? A billion? No wonder Washington is gridlocked.

Regardless, I’ve put together a handy guide that has everything you need to know about today’s midterm election.

What is a midterm?

Well, it’s a term you are hearing a lot these days, because that’s the name of the election. It’s simple to understand. You know how we are two years into President Obama’s second term, and he has two more years left? We are in the exact middle of his term. Ipso, abbrev-so, facto: midterm.

But what is it?

Well, every seat in the House of Representatives is up for grabs. All those dudes (and what, three women?) run every two years, because that way, they don’t ever have to go to work. “Sorry, can’t come to Washington today. Rallying the base,” they say. “Gotta rally the base.” Then they get paid $175,000 each. No wonder so many of these races are “hotly contested.”

Also, a third of seats in the Senate are up for election. That’s the interesting aspect I referenced before (or didn’t? I forget). You see, the House has been controlled by Republicans since 2010 and will not go Democrat today. Why, Jesus could ascend down from the heavens and state that he only endorses liberal policies and 90 percent of Americans would be like, “that’s not very Christian of him.”

So that shit doesn’t matter.

But the Senate, the Senate, man, the Senate, it could flip Republican. (Actually it will, there is literally nothing you can individually do to prevent this, because there are so many damn people in this country and why would you ever even think you can make a difference, you dumb idealistic fuck?)

Anyhoo, with Republicans in control of both houses of Congress, some cool ass shit could go down.

Like what?

Positioning for 2016.


Well, as soon as any election is over you have to get ready for the next one. Rise and grind! You get what you sweat! Feel sore today or sorry tomorrow! Politics is no different than the hashtags the Rock uses on Instagram. And Republicans, if they take the Senate, they will have their eyes on the White House. So they’ll churn out legislation designed solely to make themselves look good and Democrats look bad.


Yes, this is why I told you not to vote two hours ago. Did you vote? While you were reading this? Dammit. I told you not to.

Surely something real will happen, though?

Actually, yes! The Keystone XL pipeline bill will get passed, and since Obama doesn’t have to worry about reelection, he’ll sign it into law. But because by now all the pipe-layers, oil drillers and steelworkers who were originally promised jobs when it was proposed have died, its impact on unemployment will be negligible.

What are some interesting races to watch?

Fuck, dude. I don’t know? The 100-meter dash determines the fastest man in the world. Think about that. The fastest dude in the whole freaking world. That’s pretty interesting. Except I don’t think that’s happening for a few years. Less cool races, are umm, well… Kay Hagan is in a brutal fight in North Carolina, and Mary Landrieu might finally be taken down by Republicans in Louisiana. Those two are pretty crucial to the fate of the Senate.

Are there any hot-button issues?

Yes! Do you like Latinos? Well, no one running for office today does, so you should vote for nobody.

And terrorism. I think that’s still a thing. Most candidates are anti-it, so vote for them.

There’s also the economy, but if you ever look at a politician and a synapse fires in your brain that makes you think, “That politician can help fix our economy,” you should be taken from regular society and never allowed back in because that is one of the dumbest notions a human person has ever had.

Other than that, no. Everyone is gearing up for 2016. But don’t think nothing cool can happen. The last time a situation like this occurred, when another party seized congressional power in a midterm with a sitting president finishing out his second term, the whole world economy collapsed. So that might happen again.

So should I vote to prevent that?

Did you not read what I just said? Sure, you can vote. But jerking off would be just as effective. And more fun. Do that.