A Bro’s Guide to Dancing


There comes a point in a man’s life where he has to dance. I remember mine. It was eighth grade, it was school-sanctioned, and I had no idea what to do with my boner.

Tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme.

I’m almost positive that at one point, I pulled off a move on my poor date commonly known as “backing dat ass up.” Like my ass, not hers. I can’t be sure. It’s all been repressed. The point is, I don’t want you to suffer like I did, so here’s a quick and dirty guide to refer to when you’ve had a few beers, the opening bars to Timber start and  that 5 you think is an 8 squeals out that distinctive white girl mating call.

To be honest, your best option is probably just not to dance. Oh, you’re good at dancing? I didn’t know that Justin Timberlake read BroBible. Lots of people think they’re good at dancing when they’re drunk. Lots of people also think they’re good  at freestyle rapping when they’re drunk. You are terrible at both of these things.Never forget that.You’ve got plenty of other talents, like shotgunning beers and trying to fight people smaller than you. Showcase those instead.


I watched Pride and Prejudice for class the other day (okay, it was for pleasure), and  at one point the whole party devolved into an intricate, spinning dance number that looked about as easy to do as quantum physics. I’ve seen swing dancing. Swing dancing looks like choreographed battle. I’m surprised no one has died doing it.  Be glad that in today’s world, dancing consists of a girl standing in front of you while you knock your crotch into her as close to the beat of the song as you can.

Keep It Simple

My go-to move is two thumbs up, moving them in circles. Don’t get fancy with it. We already established that you’re not Justin Timberlake (he does move like a glorious hummingbird though, doesn’t he?). Most popular songs will at some point instruct you to put your hands in the air. Do this! Follow directions. If you can, get on the floor during one of those songs that tells you exactly what to do. Don’t go off script here, no one wants to see your sprinkler, and nobody ever wants to see you drop it drop it low, girl.

Don’t Get Too Creepy

Obviously, the dance floor makeout is your ultimate goal here. But don’t be that guy who looks like he’s trying to have sex out there through his clothes. It doesn’t work, I’ve tried. Keep your hands where people can see them (or in the air!) and definitely don’t be that guy that keeps trying to grind on girls that just want to dance in a circle to Miley Cyrus.

That guy’s night never ends well.

Don’t Get Into A Dance-Off

If at any point you find yourself in the middle of a circle, you have fucked up. Nothing good ever follows two dudes dancing at each other in the middle of a bar. I once witnessed a friend panic and pull out a move he calls The Dog. This move consists of him dropping to the ground, like a dog, and pretending to urinate on his opponent’s leg. No one enjoyed it. He still hasn’t recovered.

Don’t ever be like my friend.