Typically Rebecca handles the gnarly TIFU beat, but she isn’t working today. (She’s a lazy, slacker millennial who believes she shouldn’t have to work seven days a week.) So here I am, posting about bloody vaginas.
And this tale entails lots of blood, one vagina, a failed attempt at pooping, and an unfortunate visit by some fumigators. Read on, cringing as you imagine your bathtub faucet’s plunger tearing apart your girlfriend’s flesh.
I just moved into my new apartment with my friend, and we have a FWB thing going on. We decided it would have been super hot and efficient to have sex in the shower together to save water and plow each other at the same time.
Near the end of our shower I bent her over and went to town on her soapy body. After some time, we got bored and she got up to go rinse off underneath the shower. This is when I had the bright idea for her to give me a blowjob in the shower. Without much hesitation or thinking, she began to set her ass towards the bottom of the tub. The problem was that her ass did not have enough clearance to avoid stabbing her ass into the faucet thingy you pull up on to divert the water to the shower head. The action had been so uniform, and in my head there was no way that something like this could happen, so before I could even say anything I heard her scream.
At first there was only a trickle of blood, but then she panicked and hopped out of the shower all the while managing to make the tub look like the scene from Psycho. For some reason she said she told me she had to take a shit, so she decided to sit down on the toilet. She farted a few times, but I don’t know if she actually shit. What I do know is that she started going into shock as there was blood everywhere. I looked in the toilet bowl, and it was just dark red full of blood. She told me she felt like fainting, and I grabbed her to move her off the toilet and onto a dry towel.
After what seemed to be an eternity, she calmed down. We had assessed the situation, and we decided that she would be alright not going to the hospital.
Soon thereafter I hear knocking on the apartment door. I remembered that there were exterminators coming to spray the kitchen. I let them in, and they said they needed to spray the bathroom too. I let them spray the kitchen, and said that the bathroom was occupied. They joked that I was probably hiding a body there.
I shuffled them out of the apartment, and found out the bleeding had mostly stopped by then. We plan on going to a doctor if things don’t get better for her, but so far it only seems to be a small cut on the vagina that was exacerbated by swollen-ness of sexual intercourse.
Lesson here is that shower sex is an accident waiting to happen.
TLDR; We had shower sex, I made her give me a blowjob, and she pierced her vagina on the faucet making it look like it was a murder scene
Pierced. Pierced. PIERCED. GAH.