Bros In The Know is a new, weekly column from BroBible that highlights a national or international issue which may not be the most exciting topic to cover, but is still important to be informed about. Today: The U.S. Commerce Department’s 2014 Q3 Economic report. If you have a matter you would like to see covered by Bros In The Know, email the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Take a deep breath because WOOHOOO BABY! THE U.S. ECONOMY IS BACK!!1!
The U.S. Commerce Department dropped some fantastic fucking news today. Us Americans are back to our big dick swinging, overindulgent, baby we need a second Hummer spending ways. Boom. This will never backfire! We’re Number One from here until forever WHAT WHAT.
/pops modestly priced bottle of sparking wine
This past quarter (July-September), the U.S. economy grew at nearly five percent, an unprecedented rate (three is considered healthy). That’s a number this country hasn’t seen since our global commercial hegemony got dick slapped in the face on 9/11. Ya damn right, bish. Obama’s got this on lock.
The huge growth was powered primarily by individual spending, which was up tremendously thanks to a great number of different, diverse, wide-ranging facto–haha no it’s all about oil.
That’s right, the fate of our modern economy is still dependent upon finding locations where dinosaurs died that aren’t already settled by religious caliphates whose opinion of us range from “Fuck them” to “No, seriously, fuck them.”
We recently found a good spot and you’ll never guess where. Right here! Ya. America. Why were we wasting all that time trying to find oil in the Middle East? God damn, we R dumb.
U.S. oil production has skyrocketed to levels not seen since the mid-80s, which if you remember, was when errybody had some much free scratch cocaine use became an epedimic. The go-go two thousand and teens here we come!
But anyway, more production means the price per barrel drops, and less money wasted on gasoline for our cars and our tractors and our tractor cars means more money to spend, spend, spend. Which is what Americans did this past quarter. From The New York Times:
“Consumption growth appears to have accelerated further in Q4, with plunging gasoline prices shifting upside to more discretionary areas,” said Ted Wieseman, an economist with Morgan Stanley.
Ted Weiseman! Sounds like a white corporate dude I can trust.
Consumer spending wasn’t the only thing leading the charge, though. Investment in businesses is up and, alongside that, actual, tangible improvements are being made in the unemployment rate, with over 320,000 jobs added. Do you have a job? See, the system works (Note: If you answered “No,” to that, you have my sincerest apologies). Unemployment is down to 5.8%, which is astounding if you remember back in fall of 2009 no one had a job. (Keep in mind, a 4.5% unemployment rate is considered a sign of a healthy economy, so this is very, very good.)
We can predict steady growth going forward. The fourth quarter, while not likely to be as big, is always strong thanks to holiday spending. With oil prices expected to remain low, growth will continue to surge in 2015.
What does this all mean? It means we are all rich. Recession OFFICIALLY OVAH. Actually, with the Dow hitting 18,000 yesterday, it’s likely that the vast majority of this economic growth was spurred by rich people, and a great, great number of Americans remain poor.
/awkwardly jams cork back in wine bottle and attempts to return it.
This Has been Bros In The Know. Did I get anything wrong? Probably! Let me know in the comments.