Now that it’s finally hitting 70 degrees consistently I think it’s only natural we begin to think about all the quality talent you will be crushing this Summer. But as not to rush into things, I’d like to offer a few important reminders before diving headfirst into the sea of vagina awaiting you:
1. Don’t hook up with any Senior Week chicks, there’s plenty of college girls out there. Risking the chance of having to introduce yourself to the neighbors every time you move for the rest of your life isn’t ideal.
2. Work out ahead of the season. No bro likes having other dudes drag down his potential OPP-factor because homeboy decided to bring his spare tire to the beach.
3. Have that tan game on point. You already know girls don’t like pasty motherfuckers, and if you get sunburnt someone will be finding random reasons to slap you on the back every 30 seconds.
4. Build up that tolerance for two different reasons;(1) if global warming is as serious as Al Gore says it is then you won’t not black out in the sun if you can’t handle your liquor and (2) you might still want to be fucked in half when you wake up the next morning next to some of the wild boars that you wrangle from the night before.
5. If you already have a girlfriend, then feel free to stick with that if it makes you happy. But don’t pull a Ronnie from Jersey Shore and go home wifed up because you let the first chick you fuck pull you in with whatever sorcery that broads use.
6. Just because you’re at the beach doesn’t mean you have to talk like you’re an extra-gnarly dude. If you don’t get stoked as often as a bro from Boston might witness something wicked, then you’re only making yourself look like a fool.
7. Finding a hot girl that also happens to shape young minds at a high school near you can be both awesome and obnoxious. Remember, teachers are likely off from school for 3 months. So they are always free to have fun or stalk your life on the boardwalk.
8. Beach season brings in a lot of foreign talent due to the all of the seasonal hires. Chicks trying to stay in the country long-term can be pretty convincing. While a girl that is hot and doesn’t speak much English sounds fucking awesome, any relationship longer than a week or two is unnecessary.
9. Hot girls know they are hot girls, the game doesn’t change just because it’s super fucking nice outside and they let their shit hang out for everyone to see. Creeping and being a creeper are two separate things. Gawking or staring at broads is still weird.
10. For every few bros that are proud of their dicks there’s one asshole who thinks it’s okay to wear a Speedo. Yes, it’s funny. But just because girls are laughing, doesn’t mean they aren’t still totally creeped out. There’s a big difference between girls laughing with you and laughing at you.