Bro Has Burning Jalapeno Brew Stewing In His Butthole, Misses The Toilet 100%, Freaks When He Looks And Sees THIS

by 3 years ago
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If you’re ever interested in getting your butthole bleached on the cheap at home without ever having to step foot into some fancy-shmancy salon where you’re literally paying some poor woman to take a long hard gander at your brown starfish, you’ve come to the right place. Why? Because Redditor burnswhenipoop has figured out the cheapest way to get the hairs in your crack matching the hairs on Gigi Hadid’s head without ever having to leave your house: eat jalapenos and then wipe your asshole with bleach.

Or you could, y’know, NOT do that and keep living your life just fine. To each his own.

So this story actually happened yesterday, for what it’s worth. I’ve been on a new diet/exercise regime for the last few weeks, and every now and then i get really hungry. i’m obsessively counting calories, so i was scouring the cabinets looking for something low-cal to eat. entire can of marinated jalapenos for only 40 calories? bingo! so i eat the entire can of jalapenos, and go about my day. two hours later, i’m browsing the internet on the couch when i suddenly realize i must make an immediate sortie to the toilet, as bad things are about to happen.

I pull down my pants just in time to unleash a torrent of pepper oil diarrhea. my stomach is churning, and my asshole is on fire. i sit on the john for a while until the pain subsides. as soon as a i stand up, i realize that i’ve shit not into the toilet, but rather all over the back of it. fuck. now i suddenly understand how it happens. now i’m one of those people.
horrified by the mess all over the toilet and all over my backside, i tip toe out of the bathroom to the cabinet under the sink, and grab a baby wipe in one hand, and a clorox wipe in the other. cue the fuck up.

Absconding back into the bathroom, i promptly forget which wipe was in which hand. the mistake is readily apparent once my anus is ignited into a broiling agony that rivals the deepest pits of hell. shoving a steak knife up my ass would have been a walk in the park compared to this torment.
so, i start screaming and my partner comes running, only to find me clutching my shit-covered butt in a shit-covered bathroom, sobbing. a bit much for a month old relationship…

[H/T Reddit]


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