This Pantless, Barefoot Chick Walk Of Shaming In Storm Jonas Makes ‘Revenant’ Leo Look Like A Whiny Bitch

by 3 years ago

Snowstorms make people horny.

I was holed up in my apartment and a Sara McLachlan abandoned dog commercial came on and I started getting a little chub after I caught a hint of cleavage right after they panned to the dog with one eye. So I decided to pet my one-eyed monster. Between the both of us we have two eyes and many more sores. what. nevermind.

But I ain’t the only one. Having little connection to the amenities we rely on daily reverts us to animalistic tendencies–like peen in vag type tendencies. Tendicksies. <— Still ironing that one out.

Don't take it from me, though. We got stats.

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It's a blizzard of causal sex

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In the video above, let's try to get in the mindset of the dude whose place she's coming from. The optimist in me thinks that I'm such a suave Man Machine that this chick was willing to brave sub-zero temperatures and the very realistic possibility that she could get snowed in to my dog shit apartment that smells a bit like farts, rotting chinese food, and regrets. That's a testament to the manhood.

But the realist in me knows that this chick got super hammered last night and I was the one who got laid simply because I was the last man standing. But I wasn't really standing because I was being propped up by the fridge. And after a short, uninspired stint of forgettable sex she wakes up to find what I really look like and scatters off like a fart in the wind.

I guess after blizzard sex you don't really care about the trivial details. What matters is that this dude obtained the novelty of slapping skins during a blizzard while I was home rubbing it up to the Aunt Jemima bottle while eating pancakes this morning. Cap tip, sir.

P.S. This happened in West Virgina–one of the most heavily impacted regions, 40+ inches of snow in some areas. Cap tip, lady. Making Leo in the Revenant looks like a whiny little bitch and that dude got fucked by a grizzly. Fully penetrated.

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TAGShurricane jonasWalk of Shame