The NRA Is Rewriting Classic Children’s Stories To Imagine If The Characters Had Guns, And You Can’t Guess What Happens Next

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Yo.

What if, instead of a hat, the cat had a gat?

And Sally and her brother had concealed carry permits.

They sat in their house polishing their guns like some hermits.

And Thing One and Thing Two were both packing heat,

When they arrived they all took their seats,

Handguns brandished, pointing around,

They all knew a gunshot would be the next sound.

Thing One with his Luger and the Cat with his Wesson,

And neither could stand that the other was messing.

Sally held tight to her shotgun,

Her brother ecstatic at the soon to be fun.

“Why let’s all pull our triggers,” he boldly exclaimed,

Wanting them all to feel equal pain.

They all arose and pointed their weapons.

And to get a bit closer they each took a step in.

“Shoot, shoot now, before mother gets home.”

“And that way she’ll have to clean up our bones.”

The blasts rang out and everyone was killed,

The lesson learned? Damn guns are chill.

Would you read that to your kid? I mean, it needs some polish, I just wrote it right now. But like something a little better.

Like the more in-depth books by Amelia Hamilton, who is reimagining classic childhood tales, but with guns.

Because duh.

The world of make-believe can be a scary place, but never fear: Thanks to a series of reimagined fairy tales published online by the National Rifle Association, classic characters like Hansel and Gretel are now packing heat.

The group has published two of the updated tales on its N.R.A. Family website in recent months, entitled “Little Red Riding Hood (Has a Gun)” and “Hansel and Gretel (Have Guns).” The stories have outraged advocates of gun control, but their author, Amelia Hamilton, a conservative blogger, has called them lessons in gun safety.

Awww yea. Little Red Riding Hood and her piece. Here’s an excerpt.

She continued down the path step by cautious step until she saw him. Their eyes met. Red had known he was there but, seeing the glint in his eye and his terrible smile, her heart skipped a beat. This was the biggest, baddest wolf Red had ever seen. His wolfish smile disappeared for a moment when his eyes fell on her rifle.

….

The wolf leaned in, jaws open wide, then stopped suddenly. Those big ears heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun’s safety being clicked off. Those big eyes looked down and saw that grandma had a scattergun aimed right at him. He realized that Grandmother hadn’t been backing away from him; she had been moving towards her shotgun to protect herself and her home.

“I don’t think I’ll be eaten today,” said Grandma, “and you won’t be eating anyone again.” Grandma kept her gun trained on the wolf, who was too scared to move. Before long, he heard a familiar voice call “Grandmother, I’m here!” Red peeked her head in the door. The wolf couldn’t believe his luck—he had come across two capable ladies in the same day, and they were related! Oh, how he hated when families learned how to protect themselves.

Eat that shit, wolf. Naturally, tales like this have a tendency to upset people who believe kids probably should not be taught to carry a gun at a young age.

“The intent here is to create future customers” for the gun industry, said Mr. Ladd Everitt of [The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence] . “I think it is wholly a marketing thing.”

Dan Gross, the president of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, agreed, calling the stories “a disgusting, morally depraved marketing campaign.” He said in a statement that the stories were in poor taste in part because nearly 50 children and teenagers are shot each day in the United States, and suicide by gun is a leading cause of death among children over the age of 9.

Your counterpoint, Ms Hamilton?

In an interview with N.R.A. News, she said her versions were “kinder” than the originals by the Grimm brothers because no grandmothers or children were eaten and, despite the guns, the villains were not shot. “The kids do just what they are supposed to do and get an adult,” she said.

Pussies.

Hamilton will be publishing her next story, The Three Little Pigs (With Guns), in May.

I swear this isn’t a joke.

[Via The New York Times]