Chinese Hackers Now Know Which U.S. Government Employees Have Had Sex With Animals

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Bad news if you are a federal employee who had sex with an animal and wanted to keep that little factoid out of the hands of the Chinese government. It’s too late for that.

A couple weeks ago, hackers breached the files of the Office of Personnel Management, acquiring data on every single person who works for the U.S. government. That’s right. Every one of them.

Now, it’s being reported that the intrusion was worse than originally disclosed. Much worse. Whoops. The Daily Beast has the scoop:

A senior U.S. official has confirmed that foreign hackers compromised the intimate personal details of an untold number of government workers. Likely included in the hackers’ haul: information about workers’ sexual partners, drug and alcohol abuse, debts, gambling compulsions, marital troubles, and any criminal activity.

Those details, which are now presumed to be in the hands of Chinese spies, are found in the so-called “adjudication information” that U.S. investigators compile on government employees and contractors who are applying for security clearances. The exposure suggests that the massive computer breach at the Office of Personnel Management is more significant and potentially damaging to national security than officials have previously said.

Alongside all that JUICY information are the results of polygraph tests, which occasionally covered sex with animals.

Adjudication information would include the results of polygraph examinations, both former U.S. officials said. The exam can be extraordinarily intimate, bordering on humiliating. One former official said a polygrapher once him asked if he’d ever practiced bestality.

This official, who requested anonymity, added that adjudication information would give foreign intelligence services “enormous leverage” over U.S. personnel whom they might forcibly interrogate for information or try to recruit.

So, Bros. If you get caught by the Chinese and have had sex with an animal, just come clean right away. Try and turn the tables on them. Be proud of it. It’s your only move.

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