This Guy’s Epic Craigslist Ad Manages To Trash His Cheating Wife AND Sell A Mattress At The Same Time

rioew;

Writing a good Craigslist ad is an art. Not only do you have to successfully convey a purpose (in this case that you’re selling a mattress), but you have to sell the item too. You can’t just be like “Couch for sale. THE END.” You have to make the ad memorable and enticing so people choose your couch over the other 5,000 semen-stained couches with ripped upholstery that are coated in dog hair. For example, you’d say “Couch for sale, was once owned by Mick Jagger. THE END,” or if you’re this guy from Portland you’d talk about your cheating wife and what a bitch she was.

Hello,

It has been three years since my wife left me, four years since we were first married, and four years since we bought this mattress (pictured below, serta, 2010 model, offset coil).
My wife was a feisty woman in and outside of the bedroom, full disclosure.

Rest assured we had the mattress steam cleaned multiple times since our honey moon phase..before it quickly escalated into our matrimonial hell phase.. at which point, I was sleeping on the couch, and my wife used this bed for escapades with men from the internet. Full disclosure. I had the bed steam cleaned so there should be no issues, at all, other than the fact you will have to think of these things every night before you fall asleep on this mattress.

This is the price you pay for a free mattress, ok.

This mattress has some wonderful, blissful, memories attached to it which is the only reason I held on to it for so long after she left me. I still imagine making love to her on it.

Now you can too! Imagine me making love to her that is, though I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve made love to her also.

Allison, if you’re reading this, I love you baby. Please just come back.

The mattress is free ok, just come get it. If I don’t answer the phone it’s because I’m taking a shower and crying.

Via Craigslist

Now admittedly this ad isn’t the best example of an “enticing” ad, but it does make you want to go nab it out of pity. Or give his wife a nice roundhouse kick to the face. I’m sure the poor guy would be happy with one or the other…but hopefully both.

[H/T Daily Dot]