My cuddling capacity ranges from six to eight minutes. I love non-sexual physical affection just as much as the next guy, but fuck, how long are we going to pretend this sideways piggy back is enjoyable? I appreciate the mouth-full of hair, babe, but I already ate enough of you tonight. AMIRIGHT, GUYS?! Oh is this position comfortable for you, sweetie? Good, I’ll just mold my body around what’s good for you and try to ignore the shooting pains in my back and both my legs falling asleep. Relationships are about sacrifice, right!!
That’s why the story of the self-proclaimed ‘Cuddle Star,’ Mike Fine, claiming to have voluntarily cuddled with over 10,000 women in his lifetime without the sex payoff is baffling to me. Cuddling without the sex is like the Oreo cookie without the cream filling.
The 33-year-old bachelor reveals to the NY Post:
“I’d choose cuddling 10 times out of 10 [over sex] — it’s more intimate. And at least cuddling I know I’m good at. Sex is like a chore, a routine — it’s like going to the dentist.
Some want to sleep with me or [for it to] turn into something more. There’s nothing worse than a clingy cuddler.”
There’s so much here that I can’t relate to, so I’ll just chalk it up to a difference of ideologies. I’m also addicted to sex. Even if it’s with my hand.
His passion for snuggling began four years ago after an engagement to his “deeply unaffectionate” fiancée ended.
Many women find Mike through social media services or word of mouth. Mike doesn’t cuddle men. Fuck.
Cuddling with 10,000 women in the traditional big spoon/little spoon position can get boring. That’s why Mike has invented and trademarked a cuddling position that is nothing less than cringeworthy to imagine:
““cuddle doggy style — inspired by a wrestling move. For that, the woman raises up on all fours, while he wraps himself around her, holding and rocking her.”
Oh, doggy style is inspired by a wrestling move. And all this time I thought it was inspired by the most direct route to the G-Spot. Silly me.
Mike has at least one positive testimonial. Amy Fuks, a 29-year-old artist in New York says, “you can tell he knows what he’s doing.”
Mike has no plans of stopping, claiming “it’s my thing.”
What a loser! This dude prefers meaningful touch rather than random, emotionless sex. Cool dude, enjoy your fulfilling, interactive cuddle sessions and I’ll be over here trying to show my penis to office secretary. Get a life, bro.