This Dad’s Crazy Text Rant To His Wife After His Kid Pukes In The Car Is A+ Comedy


Being a dad can certainly have its pitfalls, but what happened to this particular father is a story for the record books.

Ben Patterson, the dad in question, had one of the worst days you can have as a father and how it happened is almost beyond belief.

The other day as he was driving his son Declan barfed all over himself while sitting in his car seat. Nothing terrible unusual about that. Little kids puke. It’s what they do.

What happened next was a litany of texts to his wife (who completely ignored him) describing the unbelievable chain reaction that Declan’s puking set off.

Here’s how the texts began…

So this just happened

I just pulled over and am trying not to throw up myself

Call me

I just threw up trying to clean him up

It smells SO BAD

Not a good start…

Followed by…

I’m standing on the side of the road dry heaving, I can’t even be in the car it’s so awful

I seriously don’t know what to do, I’m barfing every time I try to clean him up

I’m puking on some lady’s lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I’m drunk while driving the kids

I’m trying to explain that I’m a sympathetic vomiter and can’t handle the smell

This is SO BAD

Aaaand now the cops showed up

Because they have nothing better to do in Burlingame

Aaaaand now a breathalyzer

YOU OWE ME SO BIG

He barfed so much someone called the cops on him! Hahahaha!

And now the glorious ending…

meanwhile Declan continues to barf

WHAT DID HE EAT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING WHALE BLUBBER

ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!!

At least I passed the breathalyzer

Trying to drive home with the windows down and breathing through my shirt.

Gotta love how his wife isn’t answering the phone.

Just makes you want to go out and have a few kids, doesn’t it?

Now all I wish is that I could see what his wife had to say when he finally saw her face to face.

Here was his latest update today. Seems like a solid move here.

#Lifeprotip When I get off this flight I’m grabbing a few of these bad boys to stash in the minivan. Mostly for me rather than the kids.

Sick man image by Shutterstock

Doug avatar
Before settling down at BroBible, Douglas Charles, a graduate of the University of Iowa (Go Hawks), owned and operated a wide assortment of websites. He is also one of the few White Sox fans out there and thinks Michael Jordan is, hands down, the GOAT.