If I had to estimate truthfully, gun to my head, I would say that I think about being a guy at least 2-3 times a day. Is that a weird thing to say? I just read it out loud to my dog and he tilted his head. I don’t know if he’s being judgmental or if he’s signaling that he needs to take a shit. Is this train of thought normal? I don’t want to Google its normalcy in fear of the Westboro Baptist Church homepage popping up condemning me to the fiery depths of hell—“ur kind ain’t no welcome in the lord’s paradice”
But…I think I need to clarify here. This is not a matter of gender identity. I am ALL woman, mind, body, soul, yadda, yadda, vagina. I don’t think about literally becoming a male, like in the anatomic sense (I’m not sure how I’d feel about having testicles, I can barely handle the little cleavage sweat I have). What I’m really trying to say is that I genuinely believe my life would be easier if I had a set of XY chromosomes. I know, I know, “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side,” but my side is always filled with such bullshit and tampons. Your side seems to be an abundant playground of indifference, beer, and bacon.
Being a woman, dealing with other women is more often than not, torture. We’re just so fucking complex and those complexities lead to headaches and I guess in my case, potential sex change operations.
This sentiment is no more apparent than in female friendships. Through some envious observation, I’ve come to notice that male friendships seem well…more ideal, to put it nicely (nothing like a little euphemism to get the article going).
Dating a Friend’s Ex: Males VS. Females
This one can be summed up pretty quickly. The concept of dating a friend’s ex is non-existent in “girl world,” and if it does occur it’s usually punishable by death—or incessant shit talking. It’s sort of funny how men are assumed to be the possessive ones, branding their women and what not. It’s actually the other way around. Most women cannot comprehend that humans, regardless of whether you’ve been involved with them romantically or not, are not your property. Men, in general, aren’t thrilled about this scenario, but it’s not a deal breaker as far as friendship is concerned. They may make a few underhanded comments in extreme situations, they may throw a few punches, but that’s about it. After a few weeks, it’s usually, “Hey man, we’re Eskimo Brothers now, sweet.” I’ve seen situations where women get upset if their friend dates their boyfriend from seventh grade. This is my reality. Go home and give your dick a hug.
Getting Ready For a Night Out: Males VS. Females
I’m not going to lie. Sometimes (meaning mostly never) being a girl and getting ready with other girls is fun. I enjoy makeup and hair products. I’m a cliché, sue me. However more often than not it’s one big game of, “I definitely look better than her, but I’ll tell her she looks really pretty so as not to seem conceited.” Maybe I’m just insecure. I don’t know—I was a fat child so my perception is undoubtedly skewed, but I would 100% rather get ready alone than in the company of other women. It’s not so much a verbal thing; it’s all about facial expressions. A chick is never going to come out and say, “Are you really going to wear that?” to her friend, but she’ll definitely side-eye the shit out of you until you feel like crawling under a blanket and never shopping at American Apparel again. Men don’t do this! There’s no innate desire to make each other feel ugly, or at the very least, less attractive then they are. First of all, it is on the rarest of occasions that men “get ready” together. I mean maybe they shave their facial hair side-by-side, but that’s hardly a cause for judgment. Its not like Friend A is looking over at Friend B and thinking, “Dude, his shaving technique is so amateur; he’s going to look like shit!” Men just don’t operate that way. I’m sure that when men do make comments on clothing choice or hairstyle or cufflinks or some shit, there’s no malice in it, it’s just matter-of-fact. I very rarely take a compliment from a woman sincerely, unless it’s my mother, and even then I’m skeptical.
Living With a Friend: Males VS. Females
First of all, living with a friend on all accords is difficult—you don’t shit where you sleep, or something along those lines. It’s just even more difficult with women (noticing a pattern here?) Let’s tackle the biological beast first. When women live together, work together, text one another frequently, their cycles start to sync up. For all of you men out there, this means our periods occur at the same time, meaning our PMS occurs at the same time, thus it becomes a Mayweather/Pacquiao situation for 1-2 weeks. PMS is real. We don’t make this up. The last time I had PMS I stubbed my toe, screamed “motherfucking, fuck, fuck, fuck,” broke down hysterically crying, and then screamed, “Why do bad things happen to good people?!” at the sky (which I assume was my way of addressing God). Imagine two women doing this at the same time in small-shared-space. See the issue? Let’s not forget the fucking tampon/pad overload. Do you know the fastest way to clog a toilet? I do. Do you know how disgusting the contents of a garbage can be? I do. In between gagging, I’m noticing now that I think the biology is really the only reason these two are different. Men don’t get periods. Case closed.
Giving Advice To a Friend: Males VS. Females
Generally women are more emotional than men. This is not the case across the board. There are exceptions. That’s why I said generally (that’s a lesson in semantics for you). This higher emotional capacity can lead to a lot of sugarcoating. Seriously, women are not exactly world-renowned when it comes to the concept of, “tough love.” They would rather coddle the living shit out of someone before they say what they really NEED to hear. Getting back with your ex? Sure! What could go wrong? He only cheated on you twice? Fuck it! Monogomy-shomogy. Ladies, don’t even say you don’t do this. I’ve seen it countless times in my life, from countless women, of all ages and circumstance. Men don’t play that game with one another. They tell each other the truth, even if it hurts—your girlfriend is cheating on you? Chances are it’s because you’re a complete asshole, but no less, you cannot keep dating her and if you do, I will ignore you, for a solid 2-3 weeks, maybe a month. Actually, no, I’ll continue this friendship as normal, but just know, I think you’re a fucking idiot.
Texting a Friend: Males VS. Females
If you think women only get all aggro when men don’t respond to texts, you’d be wrong. Now, this is a difficult area for me to discuss. I’m going to admit something that’s sort of shocking to most people: I resent having a fucking cell phone and 90% of the text messages I receive, I don’t want to answer. This isn’t because I don’t like the people texting me (although that’s true at times), it’s because sometimes I just want to be left alone, nor do I want to have to apologize for not answering you in an “appropriate time” after you’ve texted me. I think solidarity is more of a male attribute. Men aren’t generally classified as needy, because when they are needy, IT’S THE WORST. I grew up in a predominantly male household and thus have inherited certain male traits—not wanting to be bothered is one of them. Women actually get mad at each other for not responding to text messages. I have legitimately heard the words, “She didn’t answer my text, what a bitch,” come out of a “lady’s” mouth before. Could you imagine a man saying that? No? That’s because he wouldn’t. Not in their DNA. You don’t call someone THE C WORD over A TEXT.
These are just 5 examples. Who’s to say I’ve proven my point? You may not see this as nearly enough. Then again, the average millennial isn’t going to read more than what I’ve written, so in essence, let’s say I’m catering to my demographic and call it a day.