Is Drinking Whiskey The Key To Not Getting Cancer?

Short answer: Maybe, possibly, but even if it isn’t, what’s the point in living if you don’t want to try and see if getting tanked on whiskey each and every night keeps you from getting tha funky cells in ya brain?

Long answer: Actually, that above answer was pretty long. Let’s try this again.

Shorter answer: No

But that’s the claim in a totally legitimate post called the “10 Health Benefits of Whiskey” that’s getting its viral on right now.

It was published on the website The Luxury Spot, which was founded by “a bunch of fun-loving, posh New Yorkers with a penchant for better living. We’re a jet-set, in-the-know kind of crew and our readers come from every corner of the globe. Where there is good style and a great scene, reigns supreme.”

Yah okay, WebMD we are not. Let’s unpack their claims anyway about the health benefits of whiskey.

Full disclosure: I am an alcoholic.

Whiskey can help you…

Avoid Weight Gain – Whiskey is a low-calorie alcohol, especially when compared to the many cocktails, beers, and wines you can find on supermarket shelves.

It has like 20 calories less than wine and 50 less than beer. So, technically, yes you would be consuming fewer calories. But drinking whiskey does not help you “Avoid Weight Gain.” Not drinking whiskey helps you avoid weight gain.

What else can brown, brown being whiskey, do for you?

Boost Memory — The antioxidants in whiskey can help to improve the health of your brain, and the circulation-boosting effects of this alcohol will boost your memory at the same time. The same properties that help to reduce your risk of Alzheimer’s and dementia will also keep your brain active and young.

I’m not a doctor, but ever since I had my first sip of alcohol, I have gotten dumber. That’s a fact true to all of humanity. We are stupider thanks to booze. But let’s talk about the doozy.

Fight Cancer — Whiskey is rich in antioxidants, particularly one known as ellagic acid. This antioxidant stops your body’s DNA from coming in contact with cancer-causing compounds, reducing the risk of carcinogens forming. It can also protect your body from chemotherapy, and will reduce oxidation in your body.

It can also protect your body from chemotherapy sounds completely legitimate. Let’s look at the medical science actually detailed in a real article. From a (2005!) Telegraph story.

Dr Jim Swan, a consultant to the drinks industry, said: “There has been much in the news about the health benefits of antioxidants in red wine. By contrast, very little has been said about malt whisky distillery science.

“However, research has shown that there are even greater health benefits to people who drink single malt whiskies. Why? Single malt whiskies have more ellagic acid than red wine.”

A consultant to the drinks industry. I wonder if he has a vested interest in getting you to drink alcohol for completely inane and bullshit reasons.

You know what has as much ellagic acid as whiskey? Fruit. That also comes with a lovely side bonus of not destroying your liver in the process.

So like, drink away, folks. But if you drink whiskey because oohh llaaa laa it’s so good for me the internet said so, you are an asshole and not the kind of person I want wasting my already dwindling supply of bourbon.

Fuck articles like this.