This Dude Publicly Shaming A Couple For PDA On The Subway Is Nothing More Than A Cockblock In My Eyes (Video)

Listen, I’m all for human affection. Lord knows I’m due for a little TLC (2015 Front-Runner for the annual ‘Dusty Dick Award’ Presented by Russell Wilson. NBD.)

So if you’re getting a little frisky with your boo on the train, I’m not pissed because I’m grossed out (I watch porn. I watch lots and lots of porn), I’m pissed because I want what you have. My anger is fueled by pure jealousy. Instead of being bombarded by ITT Tech ads on the subway, I’d love to spend my trip gazing lovingly into my partners’ eyes, tongue down her throat, maybe a hand on her right butt cheek if I’m really trying to get a tingle in my groin. Fuck the haters.

But, there are two sides to a coin, and since I don’t have a bae to finger on public transportation, I’m obligated to hate on those who do. That’s how the world works. Think about it, do people really give a shit if Tom Brady deflated the balls? Fuck no, they hate him because he’s got four Super Bowl rings and a supermodel wife. When you’re the top dog everyone wants to put you in the pound. And this dude’s no exception. Fuck this dude, with his pretty girlfriend and his gorgeous flowy locks of hair. I hate him. I hate him. I hate that I love him.

P.S. Far more provocative shit happens on the NYC Subway daily. I once saw a homeless man take a shit in his hand. Like in the palm of his hand. He took a shit into it. And I won’t soon forget it.

[h/t Elite Daily]

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.