It’s a tricky thing, the feminism.
We want to pound buffalo wings without judgement and to be included in the office riff sessions, but we still want you to put our hands in your pockets when we’re cold. Juggling femininity and feminism and reality is complicated. We want you to see us as equals. Beautiful, nice-smelling equals who always have great hair days and never have butt zits.
There are many unpleasant things we don’t want you boys to know about us. As your female ambassador, I feel obligated to tell you some of those things. But please, pretend you don’t know them when you see us. And we’ll pretend you know how to work a drill and that you can walk up stairs without getting winded.
We like popping your zits
It’s like a gross, grooming video game for us.
We know all of your passwords
For Netflix. For Facebook. For Gmail. For that old Yahoo account that you just use for porn. Welcome to intimacy in 2014. We are terrified to be the last person to know something. We know it’s disgusting and unhealthy but we don’t do it that often. Sadly, this sneaky behavior gets reinforced every time we find do find a naughty Facebook message you sent to some skank you went to summer camp with.
We have seen every single picture of your exes on the internet
We’re masochists and want to see how we compare. Every single time we check one of your exes profiles, we pray that she’s shaped like a bipedal avocado.
Sometimes we change our tampons in not bathrooms
We’re semi-rationally terrified of toxic shock syndrome and sometimes the bathroom is occupied. Toxic shock is a terrible female curse where a TAMPON LEFT IN TOO LONG CAN KILL YOU. Sucks to be us.
We think one of your friends is hot
We’d never sleep with him but sometimes when we’re drunk we flirt with him and make eye contact for a smidge too long. Before you judge us, we know you imagine getting balls deep in our bendy blonde friend from Pilates.
We carry scented vagina wipes in our purses
They’re over-priced rose scented wet ones that we carry around when the weather is really hot/ we plan on having sex. We do this because the media has taught us that our vagina isn’t allowed to smell like a vagina.
We take a lot of pregnancy tests and have taken the morning after pill
We love periods because they mean you haven’t knocked us up. When we don’t get our period, we flip out. If we had more money we’d all buy stock in First Response. Most of us have taken the morning after pill while wearing last night’s club clothes in a Rite Aid. It’s much better to be safe than sorry.
Our farts smell so much worse than yours
Your farts are louder and more frequent, but our farts are lethal. It’s because we eat more vegetables and fiber and we exercise more often. Our farts smell like rotting vegetables because that’s what they are.
[Image via ShutterStock]