Dave Chappelle once had a great bit about hoping no one would ever hear his desperate calls to 911 if he were to ever die in a home invasion. (“Did you hear Dave shit on himself? I heard it on the news.”) And he had a point: It’s not fair that the local and national news has free reign to play audio of the most terrifying moments of your life. Not only are you getting robbed, all your friends (and strangers!) will soon know you took it like a pussy. What a terrible side effect.
With that said, here is the story of a family and its 22-pound cat, who nearly killed them all.
In Portland recently, Teresa Barker, her boyfriend Lee Palmer, and their 7-month-baby were all at home when their 22-pound Himalayan cat, Lux, took a swipe at the baby. (Before we go any further: the kid didn’t require medical attention. It’s okay to laugh.)
Lux then went, quote, “over the edge,” attacking the family and the DOG and forcing them to retreat into a locked bedroom. The cat began charging the door, slamming it like a medieval battering ram. Lee grew desperate and called 911. “I kicked the cat in the rear and it has went off over the edge and we aren’t safe around the cat,” Lee told the operator. He continued:
“He’s trying to attack us,” he said. “He’s very, very, very, very hostile.”
911 operators confirmed the baby did not need medical attention before sending officers to the scene.
“The 911 operator stayed on the phone with the caller to ensure the family, including the dog, remained safe in the bedroom as the cat screeched in the background,” a Portland Police Bureau press release states.
When the officers arrived, they were able to subdue Lux with a dog snare. The family now is considering whether to put him up for adoption. So if you’re in the Portland area and you’re in the market for a cat that terrifies both dogs and humans, keep an eye on your local animal shelters.
In the meantime, WBTV did actually run the above screengrab on air. “Dispatch: One moment, okay?” Cat: RAAAAAARRRR!” Lux did nothing if not inspire great things.