Why Doesn’t My F*ck Buddy Want Anyone to Know We’re Banging? Plus the Verdict on Cologne

Q: Babe, I need some advice and I don't think there's anyone else whose answer would be as helpful as yours. Sorry in advance for how long this is… There's this guy who I started hooking up with. I actually know him well enough to know that I don't really wanna be friends with him and definitely not date him… basically, I don't like his personality or have feelings for him at all, which is mutual.

We continued to hook up for five months because the sex was good, and that's really all that matters with a sexy dude.

Now here are the complications. When we fucked he told me not to tell one mutual friend of ours about it because she was a gossip, and apparently made fun of him for having sex with me on my period during our first hookup. Is it possible that he is actually a guy who is private about sex? I think it has more to do with the fact that the best friend of the “gossip” is who he really has feelings for, and she does not reciprocate them, but he still doesn't want her to know he's banging someone else.

A: Unfortunately, I think you're onto something. Of course certain dudes are private about sex initially, but if they're into you and it occurs multiple times, they should be having to restrain themselves from screaming their bragging rights from the top of a fucking roof. They should be PROUD about getting into your pants on more than one occasion; not trying to hide it.

For me the biggest indication of weirdness here is that the fuckbuddy in question specifies one person not to tell–rather than saying, “lets keep this between us”. Which in essence means he's telling his bros about fucking you on his in his spare time..and then when he's in bed alone at night, is jerking off to said “gossipy friend”'s Facebook page with tears running down his face.

Yeah. Gross is right.

I'm in full support of some light-hearted, no-strings-attached sexual relations but if at any point you start to feel manipulated/used/confused/abused, cut the ties and move on. From the sounds of it this guy is easily interchangeable with any other dude who would be more than willing to engage in some regular casual sex with a babe such as yourself.

Q: So I've been hooking up with this guy and a few weeks after the last time we hooked up, I noticed that he and I were no longer Facebook friends. I messaged him and asked him why he deleted me and he said he didn't, that Facebook screws up sometimes so I was like okay…and sent him a new friend request. while he didn't deny he also didn't accept and I know he was online because then he fb messaged me again and asked me if I wanted to hook up.

This happened in early April and he has recently been booty calling me, which I either decline or ignore. What do you think? Does continuing to fuck this guy make me a disgrace to womankind/myself or is all of it not important if I'm only along for the ride?

A: Now while ordinarily I try to keep myself above the over-analysis of trivial Facebook actions, this sounds like some virtual bullshit.

Frankly I'm seeing some common threads between you and the other chick seeking my guidance this week…and the outcome is bleak. While this guy sounds like a sketchball, I will say that the first wrong move you made was believing him. Facebook is a multi-billion dollar company that college kids, little brothers, friends of friends, pedophiles and aspiring models alike depend on for their social networking on a daily basis, and from my experience it doesn't just haphazardly “delete” acquaintances. I think we all know that.

The second place you fucked up was friend requesting him for a second time. Seriously? If in fact Facebook did have some rogue glitch, you should've let him sweat it out before forcing him to be the one to friend request you. It's called playing hard to get. And having self-respect.

I would not go as far as to say that you're disgracing womankind. There are PLENTY of other girls doing far worse to contribute to that cause. Have you watched The Real Housewives of (any) county? Seen Amanda Bynes? College freshmen? Think you're doing okay for now. But with that said, think you can definitely up your game and move on from the virtual creeper that you've been boning. This may be completely unfounded, but he sounds like a dork anyways.

“You disgust me”

Q: What's your opinion on cologne? Obviously, there's such a thing as too much, but is any encouraged or frowned upon? Does the setting matter as well (frat party vs. bars)? College vs post college?

A: My opinion is just don't fucking stink. As a general rule I mean this both literally and figuratively; but since we're speaking to the former, make your body smell good. All the time. Don't shower in your scent, and don't you dare pick up that Abercrombie cologne that's been in your medicine cabinet since middle school (“But it's just such a classic scent!!” Go fuck yourself).

Neither the setting nor the time matter to a notable degree, though I would say you should wear less to class than you might on a date, and more in a frat basement than at an intimate dinner table. If we're talking number of sprays here, I think between one and five spritzes is in the safe zone when you're working with a decent scent. When more than one girl gives you a compliment on your smell in one night, stick with that formula.

Q: if you were to accidentally hook up with someone, is it more likely that they'd be a bearded lady or a middle-aged bald man?

A: You may be surprised by my answer–or maybe not,  considering how odd the question is to begin with– but in the instance of an accident I'm pretty sure I'd see in that bearded woman what I see in a long-haired bearded man– sex appeal. Bald dudes simply are not my thing. You asked…

Anyways the only situation in which I could imagine this being a plausible dilemma is in the instance of a deep, deep blackout…or a deep, deep depression. Definitely can't guarantee that the first won't happen…However I would like think I could say that I'll never consummate my love with a bearded lady, even if one of the aforementioned situations presents itself. And no matter how drunk or depressed I might become, a shiny bald head will just never make my panties drop.

Well, this conversation sure has been rich.

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[Sex photos via ShutterStock]