A Former NYC Finance Bro Said He Only Did Cocaine Because Coffee Made It Hurt To Poop



Michael Lucarelli is a former Wall Street executive who recently pled guilty to insider trading, committing a crime that earned him almost a million dollars.

(Which when you think about it, isn’t all that much these days for a crime. Step yo game up, son.)

He was sentenced to two-and-a-half years in prison for his illicit activities. From the New York Post.

FBI agents, in a month-long sting, had searched Lucarelli’s office without his knowledge and found in a locked briefcase drafts of upcoming client press releases, court papers revealed.

Agents then monitored Lucarelli’s online trading account and saw him trade the stocks of the companies in question.

That would be a no-no. We are of interest of this story though, because Lucarelli crimes coincided with the time he began abusing cocaine. Why would a 52-year-old man with no history of drug use start doing uppers? Because, according to him, coffee made him shit, and taking those shits hurt.

Lucarelli started abusing cocaine about a year ago, around the time that he started breaking the law — in an attempt to find a respite from Crohn’s disease, his lawyer, Patrick McGinley, said in a phone interview after the guilty plea.

“He turned to it for the pain caused by Crohn’s disease, and working long hours — it gave him a little pep,” he added.

Basically inflamed bowels. Hopefully he used his money to get some good blow, because the kind most people buy, cut with baby laxatives, really makes you shit. That would be an ineffective remedy for IBS.

He also may have committed his crimes because he was depressed about being no good at fucking.

He said that his wife, who is much younger than him, left him and moved to Florida. It all fell apart after he was hit by a taxi in 2011, he said.

“Obviously I couldn’t perform my sexual duties (after the accident) — and she’s 20 years younger — that was the beginning of my downfall,” he said.

Best of luck on the inside, Luch. I can’t imagine the toilet paper in prison is any good.

[H/T Gawker]