Over the years we’ve shared quite ‘TIFU’ stories from Reddit here on BroBible, but I’m having trouble recalling any that match this one’s level of actual advice. It’s simple: don’t smoke DMT or get hammered and then try to get in on a ‘fight club’ with strangers.
This is a lesson that Reddit user AcidHappening2 learned the hard way when he ended up with a right testicle swollen to larger than an eggplant. Upon visiting his first ever Comic-Con (London Comic-Con), ‘AcidHappening2’ smoked a potentially DMT-laced spliff, got hammered for days, and then proceeded to take a knee to the nuts that changed his life forever. I’ll let him doing the story telling though. The story itself is a little long, but it pays off at the end, and is about 10,000x more funny than 99.99% of the mindless dribble you’d usually see on Reddit’s TIFU:
This weekend, for my birthday, I decided to go to London Comic Con for the first time with my good friend D, a con veteran. Friday and Saturday were great days, characterised by drinking, smoking, and meeting all sorts of awesome people. D knew plenty of people there, so I got introduced to them, made delightful new friends, and wandered around in awe of all the fantastic cosplays and cool shit to do. On the Friday night D got given a spliff laced with DMT what may have been DMT by an otherkin and had a very bad time, but that’s another story. On the Saturday night, for me this time, things went badly wrong.
In front of the convention centre is a small green where there’s a music stage and people sit around drinking and partying in general until the early hours. We were out there drinking ourselves into a stupor when I noticed a large crowd of people standing in a circle, cheering, and catching the eye of security. I decided to go and check it out, and was greeted by an organised fighting ring officiated by Professor Snape. The rules were simple: no striking, and if you get someone on their back you win. Sounds like fun, right?
Well, it wasn’t.
I was doing a half-hearted Superman cosplay (t-shirt plus cape), and in my altered state may have believed I was more like the man of steel than a drunken guy of distinctly average build. I ran back to the group of people I was with and shouted “I’m gonna go get myself hurt for the respect of people I don’t know!”
Professor Snape was only too happy to oblige me, pitting me against a guy dressed as Solid Snake. This should have been my first warning. You don’t fuck with Solid Snake.
Surprisingly, we were pretty evenly matched. We were both scrappy, and were both going for the old leg-lift/trip technique. I was considerably drunker than him, so swiftly lost my balance, tripping backwards, reconciling myself to my fate. Unfortunately, my cape proved to be my kryptonite. Snake tripped on it, falling forward over me with his knee extended. I half-remember what happened next.
My right ball was caught between his very solid knee and the floor- this hurt. It hurt a lot. Writhing in agony, I put on my bravest smile, shook the desperately apologising Snake’s hand, and limped back to my group, laughing at my own misfortune. My new friends were only too happy to join me. Half an hour later, the pain hadn’t gone. An hour later, the pain hadn’t gone. My old friend D is a medical professional. He said “dude, you’re fine”. I wasn’t fine. I was pretty fucking far from fine. I walked limped back to our hotel (a mile away), cradling my rapidly swelling ball-sack. I took some painkillers and passed out.
On waking up in the morning, I looked inside my pants and was greeted with what looked like an aubergine (eggplant) perched on top of a red onion. I called down from the bunk:
“D, how good a friend are you?” “Very, I’d say” “….will you take a look at my dick?”
I whipped it out, and the look of horror on his face told me all I needed to know. My dick and balls were entirely purple, and monstrously swollen. I was in agony.
“Go to hospital. NOW.”
I wasn’t going to argue. 12 hours later, having been giving an extraordinary amount of painkillers, an ultrasound, urine and blood tests, I was driven via ambulance to a surgical ward in the next county. In my drug-induced haze, I remember snatches of conversation- “think we can save the testicle… lacerations… blood clot… crushed… swollen”
Waking up in the morning after passing out for the second night in a row, I was told that while it had been close, the doctor thought I would be keeping my now-egg-sized right ball. He would, however, have to apply what he referred to as a ‘scrotal turban’. I was discharged, miles from London, and had to limp across much of the city cradling my elephantine, turban-clad scrotum in order to catch the train home. I’d missed all of the Sunday of Comic Con, and didn’t gain any respect at all as far as I can tell.
And that, reddit, is why I’m off work with a mummified man-purse and pumped full of codeine. My first Con.
TL;DR Went to first con, fought Solid Snake, now have purple ballsack the size of a baseball wrapped in a scrotum-turban.
Just imagine for a second waking up in pain, and one of your testicles is the size of that eggplant above. Your nuts have swollen so much from getting kneed that they’ve absorbed enough blood to look like that aubergine above. That, to me, sounds like the MOST TERRIFYING prospect in life. Just the thought of my nuts getting hurt like that is enough to not only keep me away from a fight club forever, but also enough to ensure that I never smoke DMT or visit a comic-con anywhere. If completely abstaining from a comic-con and fight clubs is what it takes to keep my nuts in tact, then so be it. I don’t need hand-to-hand combat or a convention center full of adults in costume. I’ll be fine without that in my life.
RIP AcidHappening2’s nuts. If you have any questions for him you can feel free to click on over to the Reddit thread (using the link above) and ask him directly.
P.s., for those of you wondering who ‘Solid Snake’ is you can check out the wiki entry on him here. Or just know that he’s a character from Konami’s ‘Metal Gear’ video game.