Granted, going to the hospital with a vibrator stuck up your butt probably isn’t high on your list of “Things I’d Like To Do Today,” but if it came down to:
B. Not death
I’d probably go with option A.
“A man died after a vibrator became lodged in his body and he was too embarrassed to see a doctor, an inquest heard today.
Nigel Willis, 50, could not remove the sex aid and spent five days lying on the sofa of the home he shared with his elderly mother in Forest Hill, southeast London.
Mr Willis was left dizzy, weak and unable to move, Southwark Coroners’ Court heard.
The diabetic was rushed to Lewisham Hospital on 30 December 2013 after a friend begged him to get help.
He was admitted to intensive care on New Year’s Eve after suffering septic shock.
Surgeons managed to remove the vibrator, which had become stuck so deep in Mr Willis’s rectum it had perforated his bowel.”
If my memories of 8th grade sex-ed serve me right, your colon is about 12 inches long. That’s a foot. A whole, fucking, FOOT. Nigel shoved a vibrator, which we’ll assume was about 8 inches, at least ONE WHOLE FOOT up his ass, and probably even further considering he perforated his bowel. Color me impressed, because that takes dedication.
“It was discovered Mr Willis had a “foreign body” in his anus and he underwent emergency surgery…
‘Together with his neighbour he looked after his very elderly mother who he lived with.’
In a statement read at the inquest he said Mr Willis had been unable to remove the vibrator which he had inserted into his rectum days before his admission to hospital.”
So as a 50 year old man he not only enjoyed shoving dildos up his ass so far he’d have to literally dig around in there to get it out, but he lived with his Mom. Still.
If anyone sees my life going in this direction, feel free to shoot me on sight.