I’ve somehow become the de-facto food critic here at BroBible despite never having written a single food review in my life. Doug, however, has been keeping track of the little nuggets of food knowledge I’ve been spitting out at random points, so in order to better illustrate my qualifications here are some highlights:
-If you put shrimp on pizza you deserve to be shot
-Pizza rolls aren’t tasty. They are just things to eat that get bought/made because they’re cheap and easy. You may as well be eating carpet. And yeah, they get too hot on the inside and cold on the outside like hot pockets. No one says “man you know what I could go for? Some frozen pizza rolls,” they say “Holy shit I’m so drunk and pizza rolls are the only thing I’m capable of making without burning my apartment to the ground”.
I may not be ready to dine at a Michelin star restaurant, but goddamn do I know shitty crap-crap chain food like the back of my hand. With that in mind, let’s dissect the shit out of this video because there is very little else to do today and I need something to keep occupied with so JCamm doesn’t bitch me out for doing nothing:
5. Outback Steakhouse – Herb Prime Rib – 1990 Calories
If you order a prime rib at Outback I can’t knock you – it’s steak. There is no such thing as a “diet” steak and a perfectly cooked slab of meat is the only thing the courts will take as a justifiable excuse for murder. Is Outback the pinnacle of quality steaks? Of course not, it’s a fucking chain restaurant – but there are millions of white trash families in this country who wish they could afford Outback every weekend but instead have to dine on the finest squishy beef their local McDick’s has to offer. The fact that it’s 1990 calories should come as no surprise since it includes a baked potato and sauce, which means that unlike other entries included in this video, the calorie count is a total “duh” to anyone with even the slightest knowledge with regards to nutrition (i.e. anyone capable of reading a nutrition label.)
4. Uno’s Chicago Grill – Personal Deep Dish Pizza – 2300 Calories
Any pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard enough, which is why I’m unfazed with Uno’s first and only entry on this list. You’re telling me I’m not supposed to be physically capable of downing an entire large Papa John’s pizza by myself just because the word “personal” isn’t included in the title? Fuck off scrub, come see me when you’ve finally grown a few chest hairs and then we’ll talk food.
3. Cheesecake Factory – Fried Chicken & Waffles Benedict – 2580 Calories
There is a reason I don’t eat at The Cheesecake Factory, and the reason is because everything on the menu is overrated mall garbage. How often do you see a Cheesecake Factory located further than 2-3 miles away from a mall? Not very often, and the reason is because while TCF is one of the better chain restaurant options, pitted against any half-decent independent place it is essentially hot diarrhea. Having a menu as large as theirs means that none of their dishes are particularly “outstanding” and that most of them range from “Hmmm, that was food” to “I guess I’d order that again.” You only THINK it’s good because all your basic-ass high school friends used to jizz themselves over the prospect of going out to eat at the mall because their parents gave them enough money to upgrade to a sit-down place from the food court, and somehow that mentality has stuck with you to adulthood. It’s a genius marketing scheme, I’ll admit. And I know what you’re thinking – they’re known for their cheesecake. You’re supposed to order cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory. Well guess what, cheesecake is one of the easiest desserts to make assuming you have the correct tools; it’s literally melted cream cheese and whatever other crap you feel like mushing in there. If your restaurant is renowned for knowing how to melt cheese without burning the place down and nothing else, you have a problem.
Also, who goes to The Cheesecake Factory for brunch? Do they have a bottomless deal I’m unaware of (they don’t), because the only people who go out to brunch solely for the food are the same people who consider a bloomin’ onion a vegetable just because it’s technically made from an onion.
2. Maggiano’s – Marco’s Meal For Two – 2830 Calories (Each)
I used to work at a shitty little Italian restaurant chain called Mama Lucia’s back in college, and every time someone ordered a dish with Alfredo sauce we would set a timer for 20 minutes. Usually by minute 18 that person would calmly get up, ask where the bathroom was, and then disappear for the next 15.
There is a reason Italians eat a lot of pasta and yet aren’t the fat fucks we Americans are, and that is because none of them have the burning desire to choke their marinara sauce to death with cream. I don’t get it. Yeah cream sauce is tasty when the cream is added sparingly (see: Noodles & Co. Penne Rosa), but when it’s so prevalent in your food that you can use it as a substitute for Dulcolax, you’ve got a problem.
1 Applebee’s – Build Your Own Sampler – 3390 Calories
The only reason you should be eating at Applebee’s is if you plan on committing suicide later that day and need some last-minute convincing that the world is a terrible place and that life is not worth living. Not only is the food there something I would imagine would come out of an easy bake oven should you try and cook meat with it, but the clientele who choose to dine there as their first choice are generally the leftover grease trap drippings of society. If you ever match with a Tinder date who suggests the two of you go to Applebee’s, take that as a sign and get out early. If you stick with it and she orders the “Build Your Own Sampler,” gently remind her that it’s called a “sampler” because it’s meant to feed 5+ people and that, try as hard as she might, it will probably not fit into her barn’s feeding trough.