This Dude Got Dumped By His Girlfriend After A Hot Pocket Gave Him Herpes
I’ll have to double check on this one, but I’m almost positive the Hot Pockets label doesn’t warn against the possibility of getting herpes after consumption. Or at least I’ve never strapped on a condom to eat a Chicken and Cheddar Broccoli pocket. But then again, I’ve actually never strapped on a condom.
Regardless, this is your warning, courtesy of redditor TheLazyDOG:
“I made a hot pocket in the oven last night, and I of course needed to test if it was cool enough to eat. So I used the most appropriate method I could think of, I took a small bite. Superheated ‘cheese’ comes out, but no big surprises there.”
Logical. I think we’re all still with you, LazyDog. The only way to test the temperature inside that sleeping bag of artificially-made deliciousness is to give a nibble and assess.
“I proceeded to devour both pockets and sooth my burning lips and mouth with an icy beer. I went about my night and everything was normal. This morning I noticed I had burned my bottom lip near the right corner. It wasn’t too bad, just a small blister I noticed while shaving.”
On the outside looking in, Lazy Dog, can’t say I didn’t see that coming. Years ago, I mistakenly left a Hot Pocket in the microwave before I went to summer camp and took a bite upon my return and scorched my entire fucking esophagus.
“I went to work and went about my day, and proceeded to forget about my burned lip. I got off work and met up with my girlfriend. She gives me a big kiss, which then pops the blister.”
Jesus, bro that sounds less like a kiss than a headbutt. Did she have a toothpick in her mouth or something?
“She pulls away quickly as I reach towards the blister. She looks at my lip and asks me what is on it. I say it’s just a blister, but she just keeps staring and analyzing it. After a minute she picks up her purse and says, “no, that’s herpes”, calls me an asshole and accused me of cheating on her.”
Well that escalated quickly. A guy can’t sink his teeth into a Hot Pocket without being called a cheating asshole. As men, what’s left to call our own?
“She tells me we’re over and started freaking out that she now has herpes. I keep trying to tell her it’s a hot pocket burn as she leaves the bar, but she just stormed out flipping me the bird while everyone just gave me a death stare.”
Personally, I’d probably just admit to cheating on her. Because screaming “IT’S A BLISTER FROM A HOT POCKET!” in the public eye is arguably more humiliating.
“This all happened an hour ago and she’s not answering my texts or calls.”
Who needs her, bro? You deserve a woman who’s going to support you through the ups and downs of Hot Pocket blisters and not burst your bubble about it. Until then, you should probably stop calling her and start calling a doctor. You probably have herpes.