This fucking guy. THIS FUCKING GUY…stole my idea to start a crowd-funded retirement campaign. Technically he didn’t steal it, because I never publicly admitted I wanted to do this, but ever since that asshole raised $30K to make potato salad I’ve been itching to give it a shot. Only thing holding me back is pride and the smallest amount of self-respect imaginable.
Thankfully for our friend Jordan here, he has no pride to be found. Doesn’t give a shit if his fortune is earned, inherited, or made from pure charity. That’s why earlier today he emailed us today asking if we would post this and help him become a rather useless member of society.
Since he at least had the decency to make his plea for money entertaining I decided to do it. Look at me. Making dreams come true.
Per his GoFundMe page:
Hey guys, Jordan here. As you can see from my profile picture I like to have a great time and chicks really love me. Not saying anything new with that, people who know me can vouch that I’m sick as Hell (ask Tommy from Ronkonkoma or the manager of the Senor Frogs in Jersey) Here’s a pic of me with a mariachi band in Cabo…dope.
I realized though having a job has really hindered me from doing a lot of things, which is why I’m here. I want to get paid so I can afford the lifestyle I deserve without having to work for it. You all can understand that, unless you’re an idiot, in which case just donate and please leave my page right now.
So what will I use the money for? Well first and foremost…
1. Jet skis- Anyone who has had the taste of water speed like me knows you need to hit 12-15 sick ass waves a day or your fucking buzz goes right down the drain. With a job I really don’t have time for this and that’s bullshit. I’m a man of the sea like Aquaman (Vinny Chase) or Dave Hasselhoff.
2. Rent- Living in LA is expensive, a penthouse apartment with a view of the water (and my jet-ski.. see #1 explanation) can cost upwards of $3,000 a month, add in the home theater system and monthly Barkbox for my Maltipoo (chicks love that shit) and we’re talking $4,500 or so…(almost considering raising the GoFundMe amount to a million.)
3. A Healthy lifestyle – Listen, I look great already, but that doesnt come easy. Protein is expensive. Creatine is expensive. A membership to Equinox is expensive. Now I know what you’re saying, why not go to a cheaper gym? If I wanted to work out with peasants, I’d go to jail.
4. My passions – There are so many things in this life I want to do, but right now, aside from my latte art obsession, I really want to get into cooking, and to do that I NEED the entire Guy Fieri culinary set. This one is non-negotiable. Fieri is one of the few people that understands me, bro just wants to frost his tips, crack a brew and crank Nickelback till the fucking windows break.5. Travel – If you are not cultured you are lame as fuck. I’m looking to pack my Instagram with pictures of amazing landmarks from around the world. I’m talking the eye-full tower, the bridge from the “Full House” opening, and the place on the shore where Snooki got punched. Minimum 50+ likes on each pic, I swear.
6. Finally, MY FAMILY – This one is so important, my family would really like to see me have a good time and not have to work. I asked them and they agreed.
Again, anything you can donate will be appreciated for a minute then probably forgotton soon after, but that’s life! LMAO. I will also update this constantly with new jet-ski pics and different pieces from Fieri’s collection. Thanks.